S1E6 — Blogs — Personality Love Lab

Brought to you by So Syncd, the first personality type dating app and website.

In our first podcast with tears, we explore ISTP and ISFJ compatibility with Peter (ISTP) and Robert (ISFJ). They matched on a dating website 17 years ago and moved in together on the very first night they met. In this episode, they talk about love at first sight, being the first married gay couple in Cornwall and their contrasting strengths.

Jess (INFP): Hi, welcome to Personality Love Lab, where we interview real people and real couples to delve deeper into personality types and love.

Lou (ESFJ): This podcast is brought to you by the sisters who created So Syncd, the dating app that matches compatible personality types.

Jess (INFP): My name is Jess. I'm an INFP, also known as The Dreamer.

Lou (ESFJ): And I'm Lou, an ESFJ, also known as The Supporter.

Today on Personality Love Lab we have Robert who is 54 and Peter who is 64. They live in the UK and have been together for 17 years.

Jess (INFP): Robert is an ISFJ, also known as So Nurturing. And Peter is an ISTP, also known as So Practical. So how did you guys meet?

Robert (ISFJ): We met on one of the very first dating websites, which was Gaydar, 17 years ago. Obviously, you scroll through, see who is there, look at their pictures. Back then it was more based on pictures than personality. There wasn't much personality in there!

Jess (INFP): Did you think that there was something special about each other before your first date?

Peter (ISTP): We chatted for about a fortnight and I was getting very frustrated by the fact that we'd hadn't met up. He was amusing and very cheeky, which I liked.

Jess (INFP): So who eventually suggested meeting up?

Robert (ISFJ): Oh, actually, I was due to go to London to see a friend and there was a strike called at the last minute. So I went online and said, ‘I'm actually available tonight. I’ve got a free evening.’

Jess (INFP): That’s exactly what you want to hear, you know, that you’re second choice!

Robert (ISFJ): Quite! I said, ‘Would you like to meet up?’ And Peter said yes.

Jess (INFP): And then it all went from there?

Robert (ISFJ): We just gelled. I think we just knew. Obviously with some people you meet, the conversation is quite stifled and you don't know what to talk about but it just flowed. We got on and we were laughing.

Jess (INFP): It just felt natural?

Robert (ISFJ): It felt completely natural from day one. Absolutely.

Jess (INFP): That’s so good.

Lou (ESFJ): What was your first date like then?

Robert (ISFJ): That evening, we went to a nightclub in Brighton, where we both lived.

Peter (ISTP): And then another nightclub in Brighton.

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, and then another nightclub in Brighton.

Peter (ISTP): Because you went to one of them and I went to the other one.

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, we met up eventually. There was an instant click and, yes, we went home together that evening, back to your house. And I never really left to be honest. I don't know if that was a date or if it was kind of just a meeting, but the next day you said, ‘Let's go out for something.’ It was a Saturday evening [that we had met the night before]. We went out for lunch on the Sunday lunchtime to a hotel in Louis, near Brighton, the 70s hotel with old waitresses that used to carry the soups.

Peter (ISTP): It was the only place we could find for lunch, wasn’t it!?

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, it was. We had a nice lunch and a chat. Then we got back into the car to go home and Peter said, ‘There's something I need to tell you. I am actually 11 years older than you,’ because this Gaydar profile lied a little bit!

Jess (INFP): Oh, really? I was going to say, did it not have the age on the app!

Lou (ESFJ): How did you react to that?

Robert (ISFJ): By then I was like, ‘I don't care. It doesn't matter. Age is irrelevant.’ We'd clicked so much. Oh gosh. I've always said you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a Prince and I think it came true.

Lou (ESFJ): That’s cute.

Jess (INFP): So you really knew – from that Sunday?

Robert (ISFJ): Really did know. I never believed in love at first sight, but…

Peter (ISTP): It actually was.

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, it actually was.

Peter (ISTP): And he never left, as he says.

Robert (ISFJ): I moved in a week later.

Jess (INFP): And how many years ago?

Peter (ISTP): 17 years.

Jess (INFP): And what first attracted you to each other? You said you had that ‘click’. What was it that sparked that?

Robert (ISFJ): Personality-wise, we clicked. I had come out of a long relationship in London before I moved to Brighton and I needed somebody to, if I’m being totally honest, to look after me. To comfort me. To love me. And Peter was given off all the vibes that that was going to happen immediately. I mean, we were holding each other's hand within 10 seconds of meeting each other.

Peter (ISTP): I should just add that was about the only time we held hands, because when I suggested going along the streets, that was a no.

Robert (ISFJ): That was a gay age thing. I'm not one to be open with being gay. That came with a different generation, I think. I mean, I'm 54, so I think walking on the street holding hands…

Peter (ISTP): You weren’t 54 then!

Robert (ISFJ): That’s true.

Jess (INFP): Have you ever noticed the age difference or is it just something you don’t think about?

Peter (ISTP): To me, no. I don't consider it at all, but you?

Robert (ISFJ): No, no. I mean, only medically-wise you’ve been through a few things…Well you have!

Peter (ISTP): And you haven’t!?

Lou (ESFJ): So obviously you've said you clicked straight away and then you moved in a week later. Is that when he never went?

Peter (ISTP): No, he never went after the first night!

Robert (ISFJ): I had my own flat. I kept coming and going,

Peter (ISTP): But you never went after the first night.

Robert (ISFJ): After a week, I gave notice on the flat because Peter invited me to live there with him.

Lou (ESFJ): I guess that's when you first considered yourself a couple really? Straight away?

Robert (ISFJ): Yes. Pretty much straight away.

Peter (ISTP): After day one.

Robert (ISFJ): I moved in with his ex as well. I was living in the same house.

Jess (INFP): Oh wow!

Peter (ISTP): My ex and I owned the house together, so he moved in and my ex had already moved out into a separate bedroom a long time before.

Robert (ISFJ): We shared the house together for while.

Lou (ESFJ): How was that?

Robert (ISFJ): Fine. They were clearly not together any longer.

Lou (ESFJ): And you guys - you're married now?

Robert (ISFJ): We are, yes.

Peter (ISTP): We were civil partnered because in the UK that’s what you could do after six years and we then converted it to marriage when we were able to, which actually backdated to six years after we met.

Jess (INFP): I can't believe it [the legalization of gay marriage] was so recent in the UK. It's just crazy.

Peter (ISTP): It is ridiculous, isn’t it?

Jess (INFP): So ridiculous. The way we are in the modern day now; it's unbelievable that it took that long to happen.

Peter (ISTP): It has actually been very difficult to say the word husband, because it just wasn't in your psyche to say that.

Robert (ISFJ): I think for our age group, it’s very difficult to say that, because we were brought up thinking it would never happen and then suddenly it happened. I still introduce you as my partner. I can't say husband.

Peter (ISTP): But I do.

Robert (ISFJ): You’re getting better.

Peter (ISTP): Even in work situations, I say it. I don't care anymore, actually.

Robert (ISFJ): I think that's just an age thing. I mean, youngsters are happy saying ‘husband’, they've grown up with it and that's what they do.

Lou (ESFJ): And did you get married the first day that you could get married?

Robert (ISFJ): We did. 10th December…

Peter (ISTP): 2014.

Robert (ISFJ): I mean, we were the first people in Cornwall to.

Lou (ESFJ): Really?

Robert (ISFJ): We went there at eight o'clock in the morning. They hadn’t got a clue what they were doing, so we all had to read the notes and look at the computer and help them out.

Peter (ISTP): We found the only registration office that opened before nine o'clock in the morning, so we know we were the first.

Lou (ESFJ): That’s so sweet.

Jess (INFP): That's so cool.

Robert (ISFJ): It is!

Jess (INFP): When did you first discover your personality types and has it impacted your relationship in any way?

Robert (ISFJ): It was a friend of mine who, approximately three months ago, said, ‘Oh, you must do this test. It's amazing.’ I was very much like, ‘Yeah, whatever.’ We came home and I kept being badgered to do the test, so I did the test. And then you did the test and then So Syncd came out with your perfect match is Peter.

Peter (ISTP): We were 95% compatible.

Robert (ISFJ): A 95% match. And we did them totally separately. We weren't talking to each other. We were completely honest. I think that was the first time I went from, ‘Yeah, whatever,’ to, ‘Oh wow. There's something in this.’ It must be true.

Jess (INFP): Bit of a convert?

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, absolutely. Totally.

Jess (INFP): Did you read the descriptions and did you think it really accurately describe you?

Peter (ISTP): I think they very accurately described both of us.

Robert (ISFJ): Yes. Completely and utterly.

Lou (ESFJ): What kinds of things do you guys talk about?

Peter (ISTP): I’d say anything and everything…we do!

Robert (ISFJ): Peter is a politics bore, so you talk about politics a lot.

Peter (ISTP): Politics is not boring! You love cleaning, so you talk about cleaning. That's boring!

Robert (ISFJ): The dog, going on holiday, where we would like to go next.

Peter (ISTP): I don't think we consciously think that we talk in subjects because we just talk all day long.

Robert (ISFJ): You don't watch TV, so I try and talk about TV but you haven't got a clue what I'm talking about. We’re in the same room, that's kind of rule we have, we don't go into separate rooms because that's the bit depressing. You're sat reading your iPad and I'm sat watching TV on my iPad.

Peter (ISTP): I'm apparently very annoying because I keep asking questions.

Robert (ISFJ): You keep asking questions. I have to pause it and say, ‘Sorry, I've got my earphones in,’ and you ask a question and we have that conversation. I go back to watching then he'll say something else and I have to pause it again. It's really, really annoying.

Being gay, we were a bit bitchy, so we talk about the neighbors.

Jess (INFP): Do you love gossiping equally as much?

Robert (ISFJ): No, I'm the gossip, as you can probably tell.

Jess (INFP): It's more of an ISFJ thing than an ISTP thing, I would say.

Robert (ISFJ): You join in though. I’m more of a gossip.

Peter (ISTP): I'm more guarded.

Robert (ISFJ): You are very guarded, yes.

Jess (INFP): Robert, would you say you're just generally more interested in people?

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, I think so. I would say that.

Peter (ISTP): I'm quite self-contained. It wouldn't matter to me if there were people around me so much.

Robert (ISFJ): You'd be very happy on an Island on your own. You and I with the dog. I need people.

Lou (ESFJ): But not too much?

Robert (ISFJ): But not too much, no. In small doses.

Jess (INFP): And what do you most like about each other's personalities?

Peter (ISTP): He always makes me laugh and makes me happy. It's as simple as that, for me.

Robert (ISFJ): I’ve got a long list!

Peter (ISTP): Go on then!

Robert (ISFJ): You’re very loving kind, honest, truthful, faithful, caring, generous. I mean, sums up everything, right?

Jess (INFP): Aww, that is a long list.

Peter (ISTP): It was a lot longer than mine, wasn’t it!?

Jess (INFP): Feeling bad now?

Robert (ISFJ): There's a huge list. It's very positive. My life changed 17 years ago and I've never looked back on that.

Jess (INFP): Sometimes it's hard to articulate exactly why it works.

Robert (ISFJ): The reason he did that, held my hand, is because I find it easy expressing emotions, but not to Peter, so this is quite an opportunity to open up and say something.

Jess (INFP): Lots of people who've come on the podcast have actually said afterwards, ‘Wow, that was really nice.’ To hear your partner say these nice things about you is quite something really, because it doesn't happen on a daily basis usually.

Robert (ISFJ): No, it doesn't at all. Are you crying?

Peter (ISTP): I just thought that was very nice.

Lou (ESFJ): That’s really sweet.

Jess (INFP): That’s so lovely.

Lou (ESFJ): Well, I don't want to ruin the mood and hopefully your list isn't as long for this question…

Peter (ISTP): I'm waiting to see what the list is.

Lou (ESFJ): What would you change about each other's personality?

Peter (ISTP): I wouldn't change anything about him, but sometimes I wish he was a little bit more assertive instead of trying to please other people.

Robert (ISFJ): That's true. I’m a people-pleaser. Completely. It annoys me.

Lou (ESFJ): ISFJs tend to be very aware of other people and make decisions based on other people rather than logic.

Robert (ISFJ): That's me. Totally. Absolutely. I’m surprised you didn’t mention my mother, actually.

Peter (ISTP): I didn’t, because that's not your personality.

Jess (INFP): Robert, is there anything you would change about Peter's personality?

Robert (ISFJ): Again, 99% we're near perfect. He could relax a bit more sometimes.

Peter (ISTP): Yes, I find a lot of difficulty in relaxing,

Robert (ISFJ): You’re quite a serious person, I think. Some people view you as, not unfriendly, but standoffish. Being a Northerner, I think you say it as it is and some people don't understand what you're meaning. Some people are scared of you.

Peter (ISTP): You accuse me of being rude, but I'm not rude. You're right. I'm blunt.

Robert (ISFJ): You are quite blunt.

Lou (ESFJ): Do you think that's in particular situations or in general?

Peter (ISTP): In particular situations, I think. I mean, some things that I do, I'm totally relaxed in what I do, but I don't think I'm as good socially, actually.

Jess (INFP): If you went on holiday as just the two of you, would you be able to relax then? You know, go out, have drinks…?

Peter (ISTP): Yes. Much more so on holiday, away from anything that you deal with normally.

Robert (ISFJ): I think you're much more comfortable with us as a couple. When others become involved until you get to know them well…

Peter (ISTP): I have great difficulty in getting to know people easily. I take a step back until I get to know people.

Robert (ISFJ): Neither of us are that good at going up to people and saying, ‘Hello let us introduce ourselves, it'd be nice to meet you.’ We’re both very British.

Peter (ISTP): I don’t think it’s being British.

Robert (ISFJ): It is. It’s an English thing.

Peter (ISTP): No, it's a personality thing.

Robert (ISFJ): We go on cruises. We cruise with one company so much that they have a little party where you can go and meet other people who cruise a lot and blah, blah, blah. It's one of the perks and they give you free drinks and whatever.

Peter (ISTP): We did go on cruises.

Robert (ISFJ): We did.

Peter (ISTP): Not anymore!

Robert (ISFJ): Not after all this [COVID-19]! We always walk in and just stand there in the corner. We don't know what to do. How do you go up to people and say, ‘Oh, hello, nice to meet you.’ It’s just not us at all, is it?

Jess (INFP): If you’re quite happy just the two of you, then it's quite okay really.

Robert (ISFJ): Even in this lockdown we've been stuck together for 12 weeks? 10 weeks? I don’t know how long it's been, but we don't argue.

Peter (ISTP): It hasn’t really altered anything.

Jess (INFP): Quite similar to before?

Robert (ISFJ): We just get on. We don't argue. Well, I try and argue and you won’t argue back which is really annoying.

Jess (INFP): Are you just not bothered or do you just not like arguments?

Peter (ISTP): I just know it’s the best way to stop him trying. Just don’t bite at all.

Jess (INFP): That's so true. And it's the most annoying thing as well, right!?

Robert (ISFJ): It’s really annoying! I’m just like, ‘Argue with me, please!’

Jess (INFP): So you know how to wind him up?

Robert (ISFJ): But it also calms me down very quickly.

Peter (ISTP): I can always make you laugh at the end of it.

Jess (INFP): That’s important to laugh at the end of an argument.

Peter (ISTP): No, we don't have the argument.

Jess (INFP): Oh! At the end of an almost argument.

Peter (ISTP): He tries to start an argument and I won’t.

Robert (ISFJ): I'll be sulky and frowny and he’ll be like, ‘Just smile. Come on, you know you want to smile,’ and then obviously it makes me laugh. He's very good at getting me out of my mood swings.

Peter (ISTP): I don’t think it’s a mood swing. I think it’s a personality thing.

Jess (INFP): A bit of both, maybe.

Lou (ESFJ): What challenges have you guys faced as a couple?

Peter (ISTP): We’ve both had health issues. Mine was a heart thing and Robert had cancer. We both looked after each other when it was necessary.

Robert (ISFJ): Well, you were in hospital for six weeks, so it was daily visits to the hospital.

Jess (INFP): Oh really?

Robert (ISFJ): Yes. Open heart surgery. Apart from medical things…

Jess (INFP): Was there a point during the medical things when you thought you might lose each other or not?

Robert (ISFJ): Peter’s was more far more serious than mine at the time.

Peter (ISTP): Because you’re dramatic, you probably did.

Robert (ISFJ): No…I’m not dramatic!

Peter (ISTP): I got the impression the day that I had the heart surgery, with the length of time that it took, when I came out of it and you first spoke to me, you were really very worried.

Robert (ISFJ): Well yes, because it was a serious surgery. I mean, you know, open heart surgery is pretty serious. Normally I don't do illnesses. I push them away and pretend they don't exist. That's the way I cope.

Peter (ISTP): He's not very sympathetic.

Robert (ISFJ): That's the way I cope with illnesses, so I was trying to not believe it was happening. I don't know if that explains it very well?

Peter (ISTP): Well, the lovely thing is when I had my surgery and I was coming around and I was semiconscious, just to hear his voice on the phone…

Robert (ISFJ): Actually, I was there. It wasn't on the phone.

Peter (ISTP): That's fine.

Robert (ISFJ): No, at the time you were completely drugged. The surgeon had actually let me into ICU to sit by his bed.

Peter (ISTP): So I thought it was on the phone.

Jess (INFP): It was all a haze.

Peter (ISTP): It was.

Lou (ESFJ): Do you think that's changed you as a couple now?

Peter (ISTP): I think, for me, it confirmed what I already knew, to be honest.

Robert (ISFJ): It does bring you together, you know, in the face of adversity, you rally around each other, don’t you? This is what you do.

Peter (ISTP): The other thing, which was the worst, was when we lost our first dog, wasn’t it?

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, that's true.

Jess (INFP): Was that a while ago?

Robert (ISFJ): Gosh, two years ago.

Peter (ISTP): Two and a half years ago. That was quite traumatic because they're like your children, basically.

Robert (ISFJ): But also, challenges…we moved to Cornwall from Brighton.

Peter (ISTP): I wanted to give up work because when you have open heart surgery, it really makes you think about what you want to do in life.

Robert (ISFJ): So you sold your company but then we moved to Cornwall. I had to give up work as well.

Lou (ESFJ): And was that a challenge? How was it?

Peter (ISTP): I think you were scared about it.

Robert (ISFJ): I did wonder: what do I do now? I was 45 at the time. I thought you can't give up work and when you're 45, but…

Peter (ISTP): It's all right. He's back to work now.

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, back to work now. That was a bit of a challenge, just figuring out what life would hold for me next.

Jess (INFP): I guess it’s having a purpose, right? When you give up a job.

Robert (ISFJ): Exactly. It’s like, ‘I need something to do.’

Jess (INFP): Was it strange going from Brighton, which has a huge party scene, to Cornwall which is a lot quieter?

Peter (ISTP): Remember we were already what some people would consider middle-aged by the time we moved, so for me, no. I think we were fed up with Brighton, weren’t we? What did you think?

Robert (ISFJ): Well, we had to buy a little place just outside of Brighton because I didn't want to give up Brighton totally.

Peter (ISTP): You thought Cornwall would be homophobic, didn't you?

Robert (ISFJ): I did. I was scared of walking into the local pub and for the music to stop playing and everyone to start staring at us because two men had walked in. It did actually happen!

Peter (ISTP): Where we live now is the second place we’ve lived in Cornwall and in the first one, that did actually happen.

Jess (INFP): Oh no! That's awful.

Robert (ISFJ): Not in a horrible way. They weren’t horrid. Everyone just wondered who on earth we were but then they got to know us and they were fine.

Jess (INFP): Have you experienced any homophobia?

Peter (ISTP): In Cornwall? No.

Robert (ISFJ): I've actually never experienced homophobia. I'm really lucky. I came out at 21, left home in London and then I lived in Brighton, which is pretty gay anyway. I've never actually experienced homophobia as such.

Jess (INFP): That's great.

Robert (ISFJ): It's quite weird, really, I suppose, when you hear some stories of other people.

Jess (INFP): And Peter, you ran one of the biggest gay bars in London at one point, right?

Peter (ISTP): Yes.

Jess (INFP): Was that quite an experience?

Peter (ISTP): It was interesting at the time. To be honest, we actually don't think about it, do we? Now we don't care whether people are straight or gay. I think there are some gay people who get locked into being gay and I don't think we do. We treat people as they come, don’t we?

Jess (INFP): I think that happens a lot more now than, say, 20 years ago.

Peter (ISTP): It's interesting. When I ran the bar in London, there was a big gay American magazine called The Advocate at the time. The editor came over and I had dinner with him one evening. Gay bars in those days used to be closed off - the windows were blacked out and he said, ‘In 20 years, this will all change. It will be open to the street and no one will care.’ At the time, I didn’t believe him but he was right. He was absolutely right.

Robert (ISFJ): Well, gay bars are dwindling now because there’s no need for them. Everybody just goes to a bar or dates online.

Jess (INFP): Yes, I was going to say there are more dating apps.

Lou (ESFJ): What are each other's strengths and weaknesses in your relationship?

Robert (ISFJ): It's quite a difficult question. We're both so similar in a way but I'm more of a feeler, I think.

Peter (ISTP): I will think things through.

Robert (ISFJ): You'll think things through. You will be very logical with some things.

Peter (ISTP): Whereas you might get quite emotional about something straight away, I'll just say, ‘Hang on a second. Let's think about it and let's try to find an answer to this.’

Robert (ISFJ): Even things in the house, I mean, you cook, I clean. You don't control the finances, but you're more careful with finances. I'm happy to go spend it.

Peter (ISTP): I think you could be a little bit more assertive, but you know I think that. Particularly when your mother's concerned.

Lou (ESFJ): And then, I guess, final question: what are you most looking forward to in your future together?

Peter (ISTP): Continue what we're doing. I'm happy.

Robert (ISFJ): Yes, I'd second that, but if you want an answer to the question, we’d love to travel more.

Peter (ISTP): But who knows whether traveling is going to be possible?

Robert (ISFJ): I was a travel agent for 21 years, so that's my passion. Traveling more, discovering places, just generally having a nice life and looking after each other.

Lou (ESFJ): Robert and Peter, thank you so much for coming on Personality Love Lab today. It has been great speaking with you.

Jess (INFP): Yes, thank you so much.

Lou (ESFJ): Thank you for listening to Personality Love Lab. If you're in a relationship and would like to be featured on our podcast, please email us at hello@sosyncd.com. The email address can also be found in the show notes.

Jess (INFP): And if you're single, sign up to So Syncd for free today to find your compatible personality type. You can download So Syncd from the Apple App Store or the Google Play Store. We'll see you next week!