S1E1: The So Syncd Sisters: ESFJ & INFP Compatibility
Brought to you by So Syncd, the first personality type dating app and website.
In the first episode of Personality Love Lab, we explore sisterly ESFJ and INFP compatibility. Jess (INFP) and Lou (ESFJ), the co-founders of So Syncd, talk about their relationship as sisters, their passion for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the personality types they’ve dated over the years.
Jess (INFP): Hi, welcome to Personality Love Lab, where we interview real people and real couples to delve deeper into personality types and love.
Lou (ESFJ): This podcast is brought to you by the sisters who created So Syncd, the dating app that matches compatible personality types.
Jess (INFP): My name's Jess. I'm an INFP, also known as The Dreamer.
Lou (ESFJ): And I'm Lou an ESFJ, also known as the supporter.
Jess (INFP): Today's podcast is a bit different. Usually Lou and I are going to interview other people and, in particular, other couples, but we thought as our intro podcast, we would talk about our relationship as sisters. So we've got some questions that you guys have sent in and we've got some questions for each other.
Lou (ESFJ): Let's get started: Jess, how did we meet?
Jess (INFP): We met when I was three and a half years old. And you had just been born in hospital and I was really excited because my mum and dad had told me that I now had a sister. I was a bit disappointed when I got to the hospital because you kind of just looked like an alien baby. I was expecting some perfectly formed sister. And it was just you looking like an alien.
Lou (ESFJ): I was not a cute baby. I think that's fair to say. I think mum and dad owned that as well. They definitely knew I wasn't a very cute baby and they definitely told everyone I wasn't a very cute baby. So normally people can't see that their own baby may not be that cute and you’re sometimes thinking, ‘Are we looking at the same baby here?’ But no, they told you I was no oil painting, right?
Jess (INFP): Well, they told me to say that, so I went back to my grandparents and they told me to say, ‘She's no oil painting.’ And I remember saying that, and my grandparents just laughed and laughed. Our grandparents!
Lou (ESFJ): Our grandparents! And the rest was history, as they say.
Jess (INFP): It's true. What do you think we have in common?
Lou (ESFJ): Umm, our surnames for starters.
Jess (INFP): Yeah…
Lou (ESFJ): Umm, not a lot!
Jess (INFP): Not that much. I know. I'm even struggling to think what we've got in common. I think we're both very loyal. Loyal and trustworthy.
Lou (ESFJ): Yes.
Jess (INFP): What else do we have?
Lou (ESFJ): We both like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Jess (INFP): Yes, we both like Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
Jess (INFP) & Lou (ESFJ) together: That’s about it!
Jess (INFP): We’re quite different, but somehow it works.
Lou (ESFJ): We’re like chalk and cheese.
Jess (INFP): We really are.
Lou (ESFJ): So how do you think we're most different.
Jess (INFP): Well, you're funny and I'm not.
Lou (ESFJ): I agree with that one.
Jess (INFP): You were born with all of the funny genes and I was born without a single one, which was a bit of a shame, but I'm over it now.
Lou (ESFJ): You've got all the smart genes. I'll give you that.
Jess (INFP): Ahh, thanks Lou. We shared them but I…
Lou (ESFJ): …but you got more of them!
Jess (INFP): Let's be honest. I mean, I do laugh a lot. I laugh at people but I'm just not very funny myself.
Lou (ESFJ): You are actually, I really enjoy laughing at you. Not with you though. No, everyone's always laughing at you. The weirdest things always happen to you. You always have stories.
Jess (INFP): Weird things always happen to me. And I do have a load of really random stories. I don't know how this stuff happens to me, but it does.
Lou (ESFJ): Also, I am very extroverted and you are much more introverted. As an ESFJ, I really enjoy spending time in big groups of friends. I love hosting dinner parties, and I always want to be around people and outwardly doing things. Whereas for you, you are very happy by yourself.
Jess (INFP): I am. And I do really love a good party now and again, but I definitely don't have the need that you have; to see friends almost every night of the week. And I, I love traveling by myself, which you would never do.
Lou (ESFJ): No, I wouldn't do that.
Jess (INFP): I don't think you've ever traveled by yourself.
Lou (ESFJ): I've gone on the plane by myself. I met someone the other end.
Jess (INFP): That doesn't count traveling by yourself for sure. I'd say the other thing is that you are so much more practical than
Lou (ESFJ): I am. Yes. You are not practical at all.
Jess (INFP): And you are amazing at all kinds of practical things. If anything needs fixing or some technology needs sorting, you can generally do it in seconds.
Lou (ESFJ): You are amazing at being impractical.
Jess (INFP): I'll take it. When I first moved to London, I moved into a new flat and the sink wouldn't unblock…or there was loads of water in the sink and it just wouldn't go away. And I called a plumber and he came over and I was like, ‘Oh, the sink is blocked. It's, you know, I just don't know what's happening.’ And he just pulled out the plug. The plug was in the sink and I was so embarrassed.
Lou (ESFJ): That is embarrassing.
Jess (INFP): But what was even worse is I didn't really want to have to pay for this plumber. So I asked him to lie to the rental agents and say that the sink was actually blocked and he did, which was nice of him.
Who do you think is weirder: me or you?
Lou (ESFJ): You.
Jess (INFP): That's definitely a no brainer.
Lou (ESFJ): Definitely you.
Jess (INFP): But I think it's funny because I think when people first meet us. I think they might think that you're weirder.
Lou (ESFJ): Do you think? Do I give that bad a first impression!?
Jess (INFP): Maybe not. I don't know, but because you're louder, I guess they think you're weirder.
Lou (ESFJ): No, they think you’re weirder. You're much more intense than I am and you get fixated on conversations.
Jess (INFP): Yes, I am intense. It's true. I just like talking to one person, usually.
Lou (ESFJ): Yes, definitely. You like to corner one person off to the side for the evening.
Jess (INFP): You make me sound like some predator! It's not quite like that, but yes, I'm definitely weirder than you. Not going to debate that one.
Lou (ESFJ): Who is nicer?
Jess (INFP): It's a hard one to answer because they think we are nice, in quotation marks, in different ways. I think you are more thoughtful about little things like anniversary presents, birthday presents, things like that. Whereas I think I'm empathetic, or more empathetic, about bigger things.
Lou (ESFJ): I think I probably agree with that. I mean, I definitely do love the thought behind presents and the act of giving the present. I like seeing people's reaction and things like that, but I think you're definitely more empathetic than me.I feel like maybe you are a bit nicer than me. I would say I'm definitely meaner than you.
Jess (INFP): Yep. Which one of you do you think we'll get married first?
Lou (ESFJ): Hmm, tough one that,
Jess (INFP): Very tough.
Lou (ESFJ): Hopefully it's me!
Jess (INFP): That's not a tough one at all. That'll definitely be Lou. I'm just not sure I'll ever get married.
Lou (ESFJ): Really? Not for you?
Jess (INFP): No, I'm just not sure I agree with the concept of marriage. There are some things I do like about it, but there's quite a lot of things I don't like about it. I think for me the negatives outweigh the positives. Although one of my best friends messaged me yesterday and she said, ‘You have to get married because otherwise I'll never be a bridesmaid!’
Lou (ESFJ): You're going to be like that lady from 27 dresses: always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
Jess (INFP): But by choice!
Lou (ESFJ): Exactly! Thanks. I want to be a bridesmaid for you.
Jess (INFP): I don't want to deny all my friends and you the chance to be a bridesmaid, but at the same time, I just don't agree with marriage.
Lou (ESFJ): We need to find you a boyfriend first, before we worry about that.
Jess (INFP): Let's stop worrying about this. Exactly.
Lou (ESFJ): Fair enough. I'll be lucky if my boyfriend, my unromantic boyfriend, ever proposes to me.
Jess (INFP): Because he's terrified about proposing and talking about marriage!
Lou (ESFJ): And he just won't ever think of anything like that to do because one of my best friends is engaged and then the other one is in a serious relationship. He said that the day Jessie (ENFJ) gets engaged will be the worst day of his life because he will just feel so much pressure. I said, ‘There won't be any pressure, but I may just check that it's on your mind and it's something you're thinking about.’ He said, ‘Yeah, I am thinking about it. It is on my mind.
Jess (INFP): I was going to say if he has brought that up to say that he's worried about it, then he clearly is thinking about it, right?
Lou (ESFJ): No, we were having a conversation about Maia (ISFJ) and Tom's (ESTP) wedding or when Jessie (ENFJ) and Rich (ESFP) will get engaged it was in context. He didn't just say, ‘God, this will be the worst day of my life.’
Jess (INFP): That's what I always thought when you told me about that! I was like, no, that's not what you want to hear.
Lou (ESFJ): Talking about weddings is my favorite past time.
Jess (INFP): How do you think he'll propose?
Lou (ESFJ): The way I tell him to!
Jess (INFP): I know, that is so true. That is actually. You're not even joking though.
Lou (ESFJ): I’m not joking, no.
Jess (INFP): That will actually happen.
Lou (ESFJ): The issue is I've dropped enough hints. And he still won't get it. So he kept saying to me, ‘What do you want for your birthday? What do you want for your birthday?’ I said, ‘Paris. I want to go to Paris,’ sort of as a joke, but really implying [that I do want to go]. I said, ‘Let's just do experiences.’ He booked it today and then he told me. My birthday is in two months’ time and he just can't even deal with surprises. So he called me to tell me to book my birthday weekend off. And I said, ‘Oh, where are we going?’ He said, ‘Shall I tell you?’ I said, ‘No, don't tell me, are we going to Paris?’ He said yes.
Jess (INFP): Is that what you're talking with him about just before this?
Lou (ESFJ): Yes.
Jess (INFP): I wondered why he was so excited to talk to you. Not in a bad way!
Lou (ESFJ): So who has dated more people?
Jess (INFP): Me. You say you've never been on a proper first date?
Lou (ESFJ): No, because I'm much more of a boyfriend person. All of my boyfriends I've always been seeing…I’ve always been…
Jess (INFP): Friends with benefits.
Lou (ESFJ): I’d always been sleeping with…Basically, all of my boyfriends, I'd been sleeping with before, whether they were friends or, just sort of a bit of fun, but then turned into relationships. So I've never been on a date.
Jess (INFP): You tend to go from one relationship to another, really, don’t you?
Lou (ESFJ): But, I mean, that is in my personality type. So definitely you've dated a lot more people than I have.
Jess (INFP): Yes, I have. And it's funny because I never feel like I'm dating lots of people or that I have dated lots of people. But when I look back on my life, I actually realize I’ve dated a lot more people than I realized. Does that make sense?
Lou (ESFJ): Yeah.
Jess (INFP): At various points in my life, I've dated all of the 16 different personality types, some of them a couple of times, and there are definitely certain personality types that I'm more compatible with.
Lou (ESFJ): So which personality type have you found that you're least compatible with?
Jess (INFP): I would say ISTJs I've only dated one. Very briefly. It probably says quite a lot in itself, but we just really didn't have that much in common at all.
So now we've got some questions for each other. Firstly, what do you most like about me as a sister and as a colleague?
Lou (ESFJ): [Long pause] I can’t think of anything to say!
Jess (INFP): Are you joking!?
Lou (ESFJ): Well, I like that I can watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with you.
Jess (INFP): Yeah, I'm good at that…You have to say something else!
Lou (ESFJ): As a colleague, I really love how determined you are and how you will succeed. Oh, actually as a sister, I do love being able to laugh at you. You provide me with a lot of entertainment, particularly when you're trying to TikTok dance.
Jess (INFP): That was a phase recently. It made your friends laugh too.
Lou (ESFJ): It made everyone laugh. I love trolling you. You give me great content on the ‘Gram. What about me? Anything? Hopefully a bit more than I have for you.
Jess (INFP): I know, right! As a sister, I love how loyal and trustworthy you are. I would trust you with my life and it's really nice to know that. I don't think it's just because you are family as well. I think you're like that with your friends.
Lou (ESFJ): Now I feel bad. I didn't have anything to say about you.
Jess (INFP): You should! And as a colleague, I like how you just get shit done. Like if you have a list, you will just blitz through it and I'm like, ‘Wow, have you done that already!?’
Lou (ESFJ): Tough one, as I know you definitely won't have an answer for this one, but what you least like about me as a sister and a colleague, you can have some time to think.
Jess (INFP): Nope, no time needed actually. I'm all good. I least like that you can sometimes be defensive. And it's like this switch where you’re totally fine, you’re totally reasonable, good natured…and then you hit this tipping point and you just can't be reasoned with. And it's really frustrating.
Lou (ESFJ): You’re just saying this because Charles put that idea in your head on the weekend.
Jess (INFP): No, no. He helped me articulate it, but I definitely had the idea before. And also I don't like it when I'm talking to you on WhatsApp and you don't reply and I can see you're online. I really want a reply and I'm really impatient. And then 20 minutes later, I go back on and you're still online and you still haven't replied!
Lou (ESFJ): Well, what I least like about you is how needy you are when it comes to WhatsApp replies! And also your absolute lack of boundaries. You have no boundaries! Particularly now as we're in lockdown and we're living together at our parents' home, you honestly come in at every minute. Sorry, I should rephrase that. You come in at every inappropriate minute of the day. I am in the shower….you love coming in when I'm in the shower.
Jess (INFP): Oh my goodness. Last week I kept walking in when Charles (ISTP), your boyfriend, was naked and he left the door open and I don't even know how I timed it that perfectly, or that imperfectly! Every time.
Lou (ESFJ): Then mum heard you and wanted to get involved. And so she came up, she said, what's happening. What's happening. And she came in and Charles (ISTP) was there like stall. So I think maybe it's an Alderson thing. The lack of boundaries.
Jess (INFP): It's just with family. It's not with everyone.
Lou (ESFJ): And as a colleague, still your lack of boundaries, because every time you want to speak to me, it's about work.
Jess (INFP): What can I say? I'm a workaholic, Lou.
Which personality types are you most attracted to?
Lou (ESFJ): I'm definitely more attracted to introverts over extroverts. I really liked the way introverts balance me out. If I was with an extrovert, I wouldn't be able to cope. There would be too much bouncing around. And I quite like how Charles (ISTP) keeps me grounded and makes me realize that I quite like not going out all the time and seeing friends because I'm very happy to spending time with him as well.
And then also I would say I definitely love Sensors.I think it's fair to say. I'm not very deep a person and I'm not very keen on hypothetical conversations. You try and have them with me a lot. It doesn't go very far, does it?
Jess (INFP): No, I've kind of given up now.
Lou (ESFJ): So I definitely prefer Sensors. I went out with an INTJ. Mmm. That was really interesting. And we were together for quite long time, but in the end we broke up. I felt like he was too intense for me. And he wanted to dissect everything. Whereas I'm just not like that.
Jess (INFP): I know. And I really liked him.
Lou (ESFJ): Just because you could dissect things.
Jess (INFP): I really wanted it to work, but deep down, I knew that it wasn't quite right.
Lou (ESFJ): Yeah. What about you?
Jess (INFP): As an INFP, I am most attracted to xNTJs. So ENTJs and INTJs. I just find the way they think really sexy and the way that they're so strategic and, generally, they’re really smart. And I tend to get on better with iNtuitives rather than Sensors. I do love abstract conversations.
Lou (ESFJ): Yes, I know!
Jess (INFP): Yes, you have a lot of experience with [this]! I tend to be attracted to Thinkers rather than Feelers. I quite like the way that they balance me out when I'm a bit more emotional.
Lou (ESFJ): You are very emotional!
Jess (INFP): I'm quite private with my emotions though, right? You, mum and dad know that, but I think a lot of my friends wouldn't [know].
Lou (ESFJ): True. Okay, so what do you think of me and Charles (ISTP) as a couple and just for some context, I'm an ESFJ and my boyfriend, Charles, is an ISTP.
Jess (INFP): I think on the whole that you're a great couple. You really balance each other out. He definitely mellows you out and you push him to go out there and do things. And I know you've said to me before that when you arrange dinner parties and things like that, he's actually quite excited. He would never do it himself, but he does enjoy it if you take the initiative and do it. And I think you always seem to laugh a lot together. You have a lot of fun. You tend to like similar things…namely food.
Lou (ESFJ): Food and wine!
Jess (INFP): Food and wine. Exactly. Well, those [topics] combined probably make up 90% of your conversations and you like talking about the same things, so it seems to work well from my perspective. Would you agree?
Lou (ESFJ): I would definitely agree. I definitely think we balance each other out. And like you say, I push him to be more sociable and he makes me realize that I don't need to be out all the time. And we just always have something to talk about, which is really nice. He's very, very chilled out.
Jess (INFP): ISTPs are about the most chilled out personality type you can get,
Lou (ESFJ): And we are the perfect personality pairing on So Syncd.
Jess (INFP): You are. That's true. An ESFJ-ISTP couple.
So out of my exes, who do you think was best for me? Well, my favorite of your exes was definitely the INTJ that you moved to Australia with, which is fitting because you said they [INTJs] are your favorite type.
Lou (ESFJ): But I just felt like you guys really understood each other. You were both similar but different at the same time. You both had a very similar view on life. And you both wanted the same outcome and you had the same goals. You just went about things in a slightly different way. I feel like your strengths and weaknesses definitely complemented each other. And it was really nice being around both of you together because you really just got each other.
Jess (INFP): I would agree. We were quite different, but we definitely got each other, although, saying that…we're still friends and I said to him the other day, ‘You know, it's really nice how we really always just got each other.’ And he was like, ‘Jess, you got me, but I definitely did not get you.’ I think he was joking a bit. I hope.
Lou (ESFJ): Probably not.
Jess (INFP): Probably not.
Lou (ESFJ): What do you think of my ex boyfriends?
Jess (INFP): So you've got two significant ex-boyfriends. Or two ex-boyfriends full stop really. The one from university. I think he was also quite a good match in a way. He was [also] an ISTP, same as your current boyfriend.
Lou (ESFJ): My favorite.
Jess (INFP): Exactly. Your favorite. And I think he mellowed you out in the same way that Charles (ISTP) does. I think you didn't have the healthiest relationship at the time. Is that fair?
Lou (ESFJ): I think that's definitely fair. We were quite young at uni, but living together and there was definitely a bit of jealousy.
Jess (INFP): There was a lot of jealousy. I remember that.
Lou (ESFJ): It definitely became a bit more tit for tat rather than actually caring what the other person was doing, because I trusted him completely. I think it was just a bit unhealthy and maybe a bit too much for that age.
Jess (INFP): It was quite intense for being at university, I guess, particularly living together.
And we have touched on your other ex briefly, your ex post uni, the INTJ. As I said, I really liked him. Kind of in a selfish way, I wanted it to work out, but he just clearly was not right for you.
Lou (ESFJ): I think actually what's really interesting is he said to me at the beginning for quite a while that he really didn't understand you .
Jess (INFP): Really?
Lou (ESFJ): And then one day it sort of clicked. You sort of clicked for him.
Jess (INFP): That's funny.
Lou (ESFJ): It sort of clicked with him and he realized he actually did get you when he spent a bit more time with you.
Jess (INFP): Interesting. You never told me that before. That's really intriguing. We got on really well, but he was just not right for you long term. Do you think you learned things from him?
Lou (ESFJ): Oh, definitely. I learned loads. I learned never go out with an INTJ.
Jess (INFP): If you're an ESFJ at least. Yes, not the most natural match. I don't think I've ever met an INTJ-ESFJ couple.
Lou (ESFJ): Really? We were together for two or three years.
Jess (INFP): Yeah, you were, I know. It’s a long time actually.
Lou (ESFJ): It worked.
Jess (INFP): Kind of.
Lou (ESFJ): But not in the long-run.
Jess (INFP): It worked…ish. For a bit.
Lou (ESFJ): I think it really came back to the conversations that we wanted to have. So throughout the day we'd have a list. And if we thought about conversations to have, throughout the day, we'd have to add them to the list and then when we got home before being able to put the TV on or really relax, we had to go through all the items on this list and check that we'd spoken about them. And sometimes after a bad day, you just want to put the TV on.
Jess (INFP): I mean, I think that's fair. I think most people would agree with that. That's definitely not you as well.
Lou (ESFJ): No. And he was super organized. More organized than me, I think.
Jess (INFP): That’s saying something.
Lou (ESFJ): We would share Excel spreadsheets for our itineraries, for our holidays. You know, we were on the same level there, whereas actually I think, in that situation, you need one person to take control and be the more organized one.
Jess (INFP): Yes. And that's where your Judger-Perceiver balance with you and Charles (ISTP) now works well, right?
Lou (ESFJ): Definitely.
Jess (INFP): So what do you think about my exes?
Lou (ESFJ): Well, obviously I've said I really liked the INTJ and I thought you guys were really good together. And then you’ve had your ISFJ ex-boyfriend who I didn't really know too well, but we did go on holiday together. He was very affectionate, which I thought was a bit awkward. You're not the most affectionate. He was really lovely, but I definitely don't think he was right for you.
Jess (INFP): No, he was a bit too full on in terms of the affection and…
Lou (ESFJ): Needy.
Jess (INFP): A bit needy, really. And he [the ISFJ] would constantly tell me that he loved me, which, I sound mean for saying this, but it was just too much. I didn't want to hear it five times a day, if not more.
Lou (ESFJ): Yeah. I wasn't vibing.
Jess (INFP): No, I'm sure you know that I'm not really like that.
Lou (ESFJ): Exactly. I mean, mostly when we were eating dinner, I was thinking, does she not want her hand back for her fork? Because you're just eating one-handed here.
Jess (INFP): That was actually the holiday when I just realized it wasn't right.
Lou (ESFJ): And then your other ex-boyfriend who I didn't know very well, at all really, was an INFP, so the same personality type as you. He was a free spirit, really, wasn’t he?
Jess (INFP): He was not a man with a plan.
Lou (ESFJ): No, definitely not a man with a plan. I mean, I have this vision of the two of you on a moped together in Bali or something like that. And neither of you knowing where you're meant to be going, both metaphorically and physically.
Jess (INFP): That's quite funny. So we did actually go traveling together. We went around Central America for a month and it was a little bit like that. I'm not going to lie.
Lou (ESFJ): I can see that.
Jess (INFP): But he definitely was better at directions than me, which is not saying that much.
Lou (ESFJ): No, I was going to say that.
Jess (INFP): But it was amazing when I first met him because. You know, especially with us both being INFPs, it was quite incredible to meet someone who understood me on such a visceral level. I hadn't really had that before. So that was quite an amazing moment, but we just weren't meant to be longer term. And we did have similar strengths. We did have similar weaknesses, which is not ideal.
Lou (ESFJ): Thank you for listening to Personality Love Lab. If you're in a relationship and would like to be featured on our podcast, please email us at hello@sosyncd.com. The email address can also be found in the show notes.
Jess (INFP): And if you're single, sign up to So Syncd for free today to find your compatible personality type. You can download So Syncd from the Apple app store or the Google Play Store. We'll see you next week!