ESFJ — Blogs — Personality Love Lab

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Today we delve deeper into ESFJ-ISFJ compatibility. Claire (ESFJ) and Andy (ISFJ) met 33 years ago at an airport and their romance blossomed on the ski slopes. In this episode, they talk about the challenges of spending nearly 16 years in a long-distance relationship, Andy’s obsession with deer and the importance of family.

Jess (INFP): Hi, welcome to Personality Love Lab, where we interview real people and real couples to delve deeper into personality types, and love.

Lou (ESFJ): This podcast is brought to you by the sisters who created So Syncd, the dating app that matches compatible personality types.

Jess (INFP): My name’s Jess. I’m an INFP, also known as The Dreamer

Lou (ESFJ): And I'm Lou, an ESFJ, also known as The Supporter.

Jess (INFP): Today on Personality Love Lab. We have Claire and Andy from England. Claire is 57. Andy is 62 and they've been together for 33 years.

Lou (ESFJ): Claire is an ESFJ like me and Andy is an ISFJ, also known as The Nurturer.

Jess (INFP): So to kick things off, how did you guys meet?

Andy (ISFJ): Well, we met on a ski holiday in Austria in 1987, on what's called a press trip. We were both working for different newspapers. At the time I was 28 and Claire was 23, and we didn't know each other before then. We met, we got on and…

Claire (ESFJ): We actually met in the queue at the airport. At Gatwick airport.

Jess (INFP): Was that just by chance?

Claire (ESFJ): Totally by chance. I saw this man in front of me waiting to check in and he had a nice jumper.

Jess (INFP): What happened on the ski trip?

Andy (ISFJ): We spent a lot of time together, so I couldn't ski. I was skiing for the first time and Claire could ski. And I was immediately attracted to her, I would say. And I thought to myself, I’d like to spend some time with her and wouldn't it be amazing if I could have private lessons from her on the slopes. And so we sort of peeled off from the main group quite a lot. Didn't we?

Claire (ESFJ): Yes, certain at lunchtimes we did. So I gave him skiing lessons although you’d never know it now because he's a much better skier than me, but yes, that's how it sort of started. Actually, the other people on the trip were a bit dull…

Andy (ISFJ): Yeah.

Claire (ESFJ): It was quite good because we were the only interesting people there, according to us!

Lou (ESFJ): Let’s hope no one is listening to that!

Jess (INFP): Yeah, exactly!

Claire (ESFJ): They won’t be. It’s fine.

Jess (INFP): Did you start off as friends or was it more than friends from the very beginning?

Claire (ESFJ): Oh, I think it was more than friends from the beginning, really.

Andy (ISFJ): There was definitely a mutual attraction, I would say.

Claire (ESFJ): Yes.

Lou (ESFJ): What was your first date like?

Andy (ISFJ): Well, the first date is, as I said, we met of course on the ski trip, but shortly after we got back, we met in the February and it was my birthday on February the 10th. And I did ask Claire out and we did go out. We went for a date, I guess that would be our first date in London, in West London to where Claire lived. And we went out and we had an Italian meal and a bottle of wine and some nice food. And a good time. And sort of, that was the beginning of things.

Claire (ESFJ): Yeah. I think it was quite good for us to test whether we liked each other outside of a holiday situation, because sometimes that's a sort of unreal situation to be in. And we still actually liked each other and liked each other's company then.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. And so true. I'm sure not if people would get whipped up in the excitement of a holiday. It makes sense to do that.

Claire (ESFJ): Especially if everyone else is a bit dull!

Jess (INFP): Exactly. And what first attracted you to your partner?

Andy (ISFJ): Well, there's no doubt that Claire was, and still is, very attractive. Lovely blonde hair, curves in the right places, things like that. Great fun, really. She's always fun and I always remember when she laughed, she threw her head back and she sort of wrinkled her nose in a very cute way.

Claire (ESFJ), Lou (ESFJ) & Jess (INFP): That's really sweet.

Claire (ESFJ): And me? Physically, yes, he was very attractive. He was very tall, which I liked. Very sporty. Probably the main thing is, you just make me laugh straight away and has for the last 33 years.

Andy (ISFJ): I think men are very simple people and basically all a girl really needs to do is laugh at the man's jokes. And ideally not be too critical about his performance in bed or how he drives the car. That's what I'd say, and after that, you can pretty much get away with…

Claire (ESFJ): I have sometimes criticized the way you drive a car.

Lou (ESFJ): And not the first one?

Claire (ESFJ): No, not any of the others?

Andy (ISFJ): Not publicly!

Lou (ESFJ): When did you both consider yourself a couple?

Andy (ISFJ): Very quickly after that really. Because the thing we haven't said is that I had a girlfriend at the time and we lived together in Gerrards Cross in Buckinghamshire, so there was lots of thinking to do when I got back. Although we didn't have any sort of physical relationship on the ski holiday, there was definitely an attraction. So, in fact, I moved out of the house that I owned with my then girlfriend, fairly quickly, and because I had nowhere else to live, moved in very quickly with Claire.

Claire (ESFJ): We were sort of forced together really, in a way, but actually it worked and I was single at the time, so I was just sort of waiting for Andy to make a decision. And the great thing about Andy is he does make very quick decisions and he makes very straightforward and honorable decisions.

Lou (ESFJ): He obviously made the right decision.

Claire (ESFJ): Absolutely.

Andy (ISFJ): Of course. So yeah, things moved very quickly

Jess (INFP): And how did your girlfriend at the time take the situation?

Andy (ISFJ): I would say less than thrilled, but that's understandable. That was very tricky because we'd been together for a few years and as I said, we owned a house together. So there was a lot to sort out.

Jess (INFP): Were things fizzling out before you met Claire?

Andy (ISFJ): Well, it's funny, you should say that because if you’d asked at the time, at the beginning of the holiday, ‘Is your relationship fizzling out?’ I would have said no, but once I set eyes on Claire and then I suppose things fizzled out. I hope she's not listening to this!

Claire (ESFJ): I actually think that, from the time we met, there was no doubting that we would be together.

Jess (INFP): Would you describe it as love at first sight or close enough?

Claire (ESFJ): Close enough. Would you say?

Andy (ISFJ): I suppose it was lust and attraction. And then fairly soon…

Claire (ESFJ): Love. And certainly a respect for someone pretty soon and for their values. For me, and I'm sure in a lot of relationships, it's about finding somebody who has similar values to you. I think that's really important. And I think we were both pretty certain from very early on that we had similar values. Wouldn’t you say?

Andy (ISFJ): Definitely.

Jess (INFP): That definitely makes sense. And when did you first discover your personality types and has it impacted your relationship in any way?

Claire (ESFJ): Well, I think we were both aware about a year ago and, you know, I think our personality type results are pretty accurate to us actually. I think possibly it makes me more understanding of the things that I find a bit annoying about him.

Andy (ISFJ): It’s a very short list that one.

Claire (ESFJ): Umm, really short, yeah! But I think after 33 years, it would be very easy to just decide there are some things about your partner that you're not so keen on and that gets worse and worse. I think sometimes when you stop and you think about things like personality types and what they mean, I think in the description, it makes you realize that, for all the good bits, there are going to be some negatives and it makes you evaluate that a bit more.

Andy (ISFJ): You two cofounders of So Syncd are obviously the experts on personality types, but just having a little bit of knowledge you can see that, although we might not be the absolute perfect match, that we hopefully could match together quite well.

Jess (INFP): Do you think you have certain similarities and certain differences?

Andy (ISFJ): Well, I think we do definitely have certain similarities in terms of values and we definitely have differences, and hopefully in a sense we complement each other with different skills, non-skills and different approaches to life. But I think we complement each other.

Claire (ESFJ): We have very different interests I think, in many ways, but I don't think that's the bad thing because how are you supposed to stay together for 33 years if you live in each other's pockets all the time. I mean, I'm sure there are couples out there. Who'd say, yeah, we've done it. You know, we can do that. But for both of us, we were pretty independent people when we met, we're pretty independent people now and I think it's helped that we have different interests.

Lou (ESFJ): So, Andy, what is it that you like about Claire’s personality?

Andy (ISFJ): Well, I definitely like her values. I love her sense of honesty. I love her sense of loyalty and that she is so protective, particularly about people she’s fond of. That would mean that she's a very good wife or partner, but she's a particularly good mother. She just thinks of her children as the most important thing in their life and they are.

Claire (ESFJ): That’s true. For me, again, I like Andy's values. I like his loyalty. I trust his judgment. I'm interested to hear his opinion on things and I not only love him, but I like him as a person. If I wasn't married to him, I would be really pleased if I sat next to him at a dinner party because he would be the person I would probably find most interesting in that room.

Jess (INFP): That’s so lovely to say that after 33 years.

Claire (ESFJ): Actually, I should also say he's generous. That is the other thing, he is generous with everyone with his time and money. And that is pretty unusual when I speak to my friends about their husbands, that is something that isn’t always there.

Andy (ISFJ): I think we do have a sense of fun and that's a hugely important part of our relationship.

Claire (ESFJ): And we don't take each other too seriously.

Jess (INFP): Is there anything you would change about each other's personalities?

Andy (ISFJ): Claire can be quite stubborn and I think that's a trait of her personality. And she's not very keen to admit mistakes or very keen to say sorry sometimes,

Claire (ESFJ): I’ve got better.

Andy (ISFJ): Stubborn sounds quite hard. You stick to your line, I guess, to put it more favorably.

Jess (INFP): And, Claire, is there anything you would change about Andy's personality?

Claire (ESFJ): Well, I've said on his plus side he's incredibly loyal and takes his responsibilities very seriously, but sometimes that can be quite annoying as well, in terms of he will not let a friend down whatever happens, which is great if you're the friend but not so good if you’re the wife! And he can also get quite carried away and fixated on things like deer in the garden…he just gets incredibly interested in something and goes for it which, again, is a plus too.

Jess (INFP): It’s quite typical of ISFJs to be very loyal and dutiful to friends.

Lou (ESFJ): So what would you say your strengths and weaknesses are in the relationship?

Andy (ISFJ): I think that perhaps Claire would say I'm too structured and too set in my ways. Perhaps I’m not spontaneous enough in some things, but I definitely like my routine. I like to get up early and I like to walk the dogs at a certain time and I am quite structured and that's can be slightly irritating to Claire I guess.

Lou (ESFJ): Have you got some strengths!?

Andy (ISFJ): I’m a very modest soul and Claire can say any strengths. I just think the relationship works very well and, as I said, we do complement each other. We do definitely have strengths and weaknesses that the other person doesn't have.

Claire (ESFJ):: So I think following on from it, Andy says I'm not so great at saying, sorry…I'm trying to get better. I think I'm better at it than when he first met me, but hey, we've had 33 years, so hopefully I would improve. What do I bring to the relationship? Well, I think I'm loyal and I think you should have said that too really. I think that you're incredibly loyal and loyalty counts for a lot. And I think I care very much about my family and that comes first. I'm not a great cook. Maybe that's when I find negatives.

Andy (ISFJ): You’re pretty good!

Claire (ESFJ): I’m okay. But you know…

Andy (ISFJ): You don’t love cooking, like one of your daughters.

Claire (ESFJ): Yeah. And then we both worked very hard and we both have been brought up to work very hard. And I suppose that's a mutual value that we both have, which sounds maybe some people don't set much store by it, but actually I think that it's really important to us. You know, we can only have the life we have now after 33 years because we have both committed to a lot of hard work. Don't you think?

Andy (ISFJ): Yeah, there's a saying I love, which is: ‘the harder you work, the luckier you get’. And that's absolutely true in life, whether it's at a job or at a relationship.

Claire (ESFJ): Yeah. And I think we we're reasonably good at compromising, don't you think, to make it work. We'd rather compromise and make our relationship work than get too bogged down.

Andy (ISFJ): Yeah. In some ways we're quite a conventional couplem in that very, very broadly, although Claire has worked as well, but very, very broadly I've taken more responsibility for earning money and keeping the family…well, not simply afloat, but hopefully in a reasonably nice way. And Claire's definitely, definitely, definitely taken on more responsibility for the children because I'm a journalist and at one point, although the family home was in Cornwall for 16 years, I weekly commuted to London to work on two national newspapers and that presents its challenges. There's a big division then in family life and working life.

Jess (INFP): Did you have any tough times or was it quite difficult with Andy being away so much?

Claire (ESFJ): Yeah, it was really difficult, I mean that would put pressure on anyone's relationship. I think we had to work really hard actually for me to not feel permanently resentful of that, because it appeared at the time that Andy was away for 16 years (almost) having a great time in London, while I sort of juggled children and working life, which was sometimes in London too. And when we were in London together, we had a really good time. So I think I had to bury that as much as possible to try to make it work.

Lou (ESFJ): Do you think, in the end, you're better for that for the time apart?

Claire (ESFJ): I do. I think that we still really like each other's company and I'm not sure everyone can see that after 33 years. Do you think?

Andy (ISFJ): Yeah. If you're in any relationship that lasts 33 years or longer, there are going to be its moment and its challenges. I mean, we'd never had an insurmountable problem that we just thought, ‘Wow, we just don't know how to handle this.’ You know, we're quite practical at tackling day-to-day problems. So it presented its challenges, but we addressed them, I guess.

Claire (ESFJ): And I think every time that we had a challenge, ultimately, we had two lovely children, so that was what got us through it beyond everything else. Don't you think? Ultimately, our lives have been working towards making a nice life for our children and us as a family.

Jess (INFP): And when you say you addressed the problems; did you talk them through at the time?

Andy (ISFJ): Yeah, but as I say, when you have your moments, there are definitely times that you're not quite on the same wavelength because one's in London and 300 miles away from the other who's in Cornwall and not probably being able to totally appreciate the other person's problems with children or work or whatever. So hopefully we addressed them, but I'm not saying it was perfect all the time. There were definitely difficult times.

Claire (ESFJ):: I didn't think we were the best at, literally if there was a problem saying it straight away. Well, I think you probably (I might be wrong) were putting your head in the sand a bit about it…and me festering on it. And that wasn't very healthy.

Andy (ISFJ): The me working away, it was meant to be a much shorter time. We agreed it was going to be for a year and for different reasons, getting bigger financial commitments as a family, it lasted much longer than it was meant to, so it wasn't perfect, but at times we muddled through.

Claire (ESFJ): And I'm glad we did because once our children left home, I suddenly realized that actually I'd had the best time, really. Being here and being with them more than Andy and actually feeling that it was a bit soulless going to London every week and working.

Jess (INFP): A blessing in disguise really.

Claire (ESFJ): Yeah, exactly. So sometimes I think if you can hang in there long enough…the temptation is, and we've been there too, is that you just get angry and you lash out. But actually I'm glad we somehow forced ourselves to get past that.

Jess (INFP): So you said sometimes you festered for a period of time…If you could tell yourself something years ago or how would you do things differently?

Claire (ESFJ): I guess I think I would just tell myself to try and see it more from the other person's point of view, which is obviously so easy in hindsight and quite difficult when you're in the midst of it. What would you say?

Andy (ISFJ): Yeah and sort of somehow train yourself, which I tried to do, but it's not always that easy. Life’s compartments…so say you come home for the weekend and have a lovely time, which is normally exactly the case. You then have to sort of gee yourself up and go into the other compartment, which is the work compartment. So you have to be able to really compartmentalize.

16 years apart is not ideal, but it’s life's choices. You either go away and work and earn more money and have a nice standard of living and all the rest of it, or you don't. Unless you're lucky enough to have inherited huge amounts of wealth, there are lots of choices to make in life.

Jess (INFP): And how did you stay in touch during that time? How often did you talk to each other?

Andy (ISFJ): We'd always speak to each other twice a day, without a doubt, pretty much morning and evening. And sometimes more if there were issues to discuss or something…if we needed to tell the other person something interesting. There are couples now who go away for a week and don't speak for the whole week, but we've never done that.

Claire (ESFJ): I think if something interesting or exciting has happened, we are always the first people we want to tell it to. Don't you think? You know, we pick up the phone…

Andy (ISFJ): ’You’ll never guess what,’ sort of approach to life.

Claire (ESFJ): And I think that's quite useful to have that, even if it's just gossip, it's just. I want to tell Andy first probably…

Lou (ESFJ): Well, he's your best friend really, isn’t he?

Claire (ESFJ): Yeah, exactly. And it hasn't always felt that way, I have to say, don't you think?

Andy (ISFJ): You do become more distant with a lot of time apart and sometimes, you know, it was five days apart. I used to get sent away for work and sometimes you'd have a month away and sometimes you get sent to dangerous places, because I was a reporter. And you worry about whether you're ever going to come back and you worry if you don't come back, how's Claire going to be able to manage with the children. If you have a job like that, (a) you can be away for a long time and (b) if you get sent to a war, you get worried whether you're going to come back or not.

Claire (ESFJ): I also think it helped that I had a career because I think I probably would have felt even more resentful if I was at home just looking after the children, which is obviously a very, very valuable job in itself, but I just felt I had to have some other life outside of that as well, so I didn’t feel quite as resentful.

Andy (ISFJ): We were very lucky in that we came from families that were supportive. My father died relatively young, but my mother, even though she wasn't wealthy, helped with things like the school fees. And Claire's parents are always, actually incredibly generous with their time and their efforts towards our two daughters. So that was very lucky. We had family support, really

Claire (ESFJ): It was a bit of a team effort really, wasn't it? The fact that we're still here now, 33 years on.

Jess (INFP): It really does sound like you think of you together as a team, which I think is really important.

Claire (ESFJ): And you lose that sometimes and you just have to get it back again because you know, it's worth sticking at most of the time. When you first met, if it's love at first sight or you click straight away, a lot of its worth fighting for.

Jess (INFP): Well, thank you so much for your time. It's been really great to chat to you both

Lou (ESFJ): And very insightful.

Claire (ESFJ): Maybe come back in another 33 years.

Jess (INFP): Definitely, we’d love to.

Lou (ESFJ): I can definitely say as an ESFJ myself, I'm sure my partners would say I struggle saying sorry.

Claire (ESFJ): Good! It’s not just me then.

Andy (ISFJ): I think the important thing is to have the same values. Family is hugely important. As Claire said, we don't take each other too seriously. And huge emphasis on our life is having fun.

Claire (ESFJ): Yes, same values and actually the same goal. Don't you think? A sort of joint goal, which for us to have our lovely children grow up and be happy and for us to be happy and have a nice a life as we can while still remaining, quite busy.

Lou (ESFJ): Well, thank you so much.

Jess (INFP): Thank you so much.

Claire (ESFJ): You’re welcome.

Andy (ISFJ): Very welcome. It was a pleasure

Claire (ESFJ): Good luck with So Syncd.

Lou (ESFJ): Thank you for listening to Personality Love Lab. If you're in a relationship and would like to be featured on our podcast, please email us at hello@sosyncd.com. The email address can also be found in the show notes.

Jess (INFP): And if you're single, sign up to So Syncd for free today to find your compatible personality type. You can download So Syncd from the Apple app store or the Google play store. We'll see you next week!