S1E5: The Long Distance Love Story: ENFP & INTJ Compatibility
Brought to you by So Syncd, the first personality type dating app and website.
You can listen to the full episode of our podcast on Personality Love Lab, Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
We talk to a perfect personality pair to explore ENFP and INTJ compatibility. Disha (ENFP) and Arun (INTJ) met on a dating app four years ago. Arun charmed Disha with his terrible puns and they got off to a good start when Disha didn’t block him. In this episode, they talk about being in a relationship whilst living on opposite sides of the world, borrowing a dog for the day and their very different personalities.
Jess (INFP): Hi, welcome to Personality Love Lab, where we interview real people and real couples to delve deeper into personality types and love.
Lou (ESFJ): This podcast is brought to you by the sisters who created So Syncd, the dating app that matches compatible personality types.
Jess (INFP): My name's Jess. I'm an INFP, also known as The Dreamer.
Lou (ESFJ): And I'm Lou an ESFJ, also known as The Supporter.
Jess (INFP): Today on Personality Love Lab, we have Disha and Arun who are both 30 and live in London. They've been together for nearly four years and they're getting married literally this weekend! Disha and I met when we were living in Australia and, at that point, she had just started dating Arun and they were in a long distance relationship for a year and a half.
Lou (ESFJ): Disha is an ENFP, also known as The Enthusiast and Arun is an INTJ, also known as The Strategist. They would be a golden personality pair on So Syncd.
So how did you guys meet?
Disha (ENFP): We met on Tinder, which is a story that I love and Arun hates! I actually had this in my prepared wedding speech, which was basically about how you go on enough bad dates on Tinder and then eventually you go on one decent one, and then you think it's absolutely amazing, which is basically what happened to me and Arun.
Arun (INTJ): Sorry, which way around was that!?
Disha (ENFP): I actually started swiping him after this depressing family Christmas dinner, where there was a lot of talk about my singledom and I was like, ‘Right, okay. I should probably get back on Tinder.’ And then I swiped him and we started chatting and he seemed really funny and I was quite excited to meet him. I met him on New Year’s Day and we went on a really fun date. And it all went from there. Do you have anything to add to that story?
Arun (INTJ): Yeah. I mean, that's Disha’s side!
Disha (ENFP): Oh! What’s your side!?
Arun (INTJ): Yeah, I broadly agree. I mean, not at the bad dates part. I think Disha and I started talking sometime around Christmas and then arranged to see each other early in the new year. And we went on a date and it went well.
Disha (ENFP): It’s why we’re still here!
Jess (INFP): Did you have a good feeling about each other? Did you think, ‘Oh, this one might be special.’
Arun (INTJ): I think I was quite bored with Tinder by this point. So I think I spent most of my time winding her up…
Disha (ENFP): Arun started trolling me quite early on, which I think was his strategy on Tinder.
Arun (INTJ): I think it was more boredom, because I’d make really bad puns to anything she’d say.
Disha (ENFP): Yeah, it wasn’t great… I think I found it funny and I think in different situations, maybe other people wouldn't have found it funny. I remember telling my girlfriends about it and there were some very mixed reviews, where some people were like, ‘This guy is hilarious’ and other people were like, ‘Really? He seems kind of dodgy.’
Arun (INTJ): I mean that still stands - nothing’s changed there.
Disha (ENFP): I remember thinking that he was so funny that if I met him in person and it turned out that he was like…You know how some people are great over text and terrible in person? He was so good over text, I decided if I met him and he was terrible, I would delete Tinder forever because I was like, ‘This has got to be either great or…’
Arun (INTJ): Is that how funny I am? That you would delete Tinder if I wasn’t as funny as I seemed!?
Disha (ENFP): I should stop flattering you.
Arun (INTJ): I think I spent a lot of my time taking it a bit lighter, just making a lot of jokes. There were a lot of puns, a lot of really bad puns as well.
Disha (ENFP): When we met in person, did you think it was going somewhere?
Arun (INTJ): Yeah, I thought so. I think by the point we were going to meet, I was like, ‘Okay, I’ve got to stop making as many bad puns. Not every response has to have a pun as part of it.’ So I kind of dialed it back a bit.
Jess (INFP): So either way Tinder was going to be deleted because if it went really well, you were going to delete it and if it went badly you were also going to delete it!
Arun (INTJ): Tinder was finished either way.
Jess (INFP): And what was your first date like?
Arun (INTJ): So we went to Bounce.
Disha (ENFP): You know, that ping pong place in Shoreditch?
Arun (INTJ): She chose that, which was great.
Disha (ENFP): I strategically chose it for 4pm on a Saturday, which is when I used to meet all my dates, because if it's going really badly, you can still exit and maintain a good Saturday night. And if it's going well, then you can progress on to dinner. So I suggested 4pm and Arun was like, ‘That's a weird time!’
Arun (INTJ): What do you say to someone who says, ‘Let's go play table tennis at 4pm!?’ But anyway, you chose Bounce because it was within walking distance of where you lived as well. That was the other reason! But I was like, ‘I’ve got the day off, it’s the new year. I can turn up at 4pm if you want.’
Disha (ENFP): My initial impression of Arun was that he was super shy and quite self-deprecating and I was like, ‘What’s up with this guy?’ And I wasn’t that impressed, I have to say. And then we played one round of table tennis and I won and he turned into this hyper competitive, much more extravert person
Arun (INTJ): I didn't realize that she's actually alright at table tennis. She’d been practicing for months. And so I got quite competitive. As soon as she beat me, I took it very seriously.
Disha (ENFP): He became quite…not aggressive, but much more open and confident. And I was like, ‘Oh, maybe there's actually something here.’ And our first date actually lasted quite long, didn’t it?
Arun (INTJ): So to be clear, I did win every other game afterwards…I got really loud. People were watching us!
Disha (ENFP): Then we went on to dinner and had a Burmese meal.
Arun (INTJ): We went to Busaba.
Disha (ENFP): Busaba, yeah, and then we went to a pub and then we played some games.
Arun (INTJ): I was still really competitive all the way through. It was the initial loss that got me going.
Disha (ENFP): I think from then I knew.
Arun (INTJ): I think starting at 4pm allows for a long date.
Jess (INFP): And what was your first impression of Disha?
Arun (INTJ): I'll be honest. It was really dark in Bounce, so I couldn't really make her out initially, but I mean, I thought, ‘Yeah. Okay, this is fine. It'll go well, and then she beat me at table tennis and I was like, ‘I like her, but I need to win.’ That was the thing that got me going.
Disha (ENFP): Can I just say, Arun is really dialing that down because he then sent me a text message the next day like, ‘Would you like to come to my house for dinner? I'm free any night this week.’ I was like, ‘This guy is so into me!’
Arun (INTJ): Just to be clear, I had the week off, so if we didn’t do it in that week, I wouldn’t see you again!
Disha (ENFP): I was literally like, ‘Can you play it a little bit cool?’
Lou (ESFJ): And what first attracted you to each other?
Disha (ENFP): Well, actually what attracted me to Arun’s Tinder profile was that he had in his description that he had a five-star Uber rating.
Arun (INTJ): Yeah, which as soon as you start using my Uber, it went down to four [stars] immediately.
Disha (ENFP): I sent him a text being like, ‘Five-star Uber rating…how!?
Arun (INTJ): I'll tell you how! I don't sit in the car and insist on playing my gangster rap at maximum volume. That's the difference.
Disha (ENFP): Anyway, so that was my first impression was like, ‘Okay, I'm really interested,’ and that was what sparked my interest in you from Tinder. And then I think my interest in you on the date began when we started to play a board game and Arun was very good at the board game. I was like, ‘Maybe he's a smart guy.’
Arun (INTJ): Disha on her profile said she liked board games. And that's what I enjoy.
Disha (ENFP): Had you been practicing at home?
Arun (INTJ): I mean, I've been practicing for like 28 years, or 26 years, so I was well ready for them.
Disha (ENFP): So what attracted you to my profile?
Arun (INTJ): It was the board games. I thought that'd be fun. And you know…
Disha (ENFP): It wasn’t my smoldering good looks?
Arun (INTJ): Hmm…maybe! You were funny back. Whenever I said a bad pun, you didn’t do what everyone else did, which was block me. You kept going.
Disha (ENFP): I didn’t block him so now we’re getting married!
Jess (INFP): It's always a good start not blocking someone. When did you first consider yourself a couple?
Arun (INTJ): I think that February. So we met Jan 1st or 2nd and then that February for Valentine's day, you booked the flights to…Dublin?
Disha (ENFP): To take him back to where I'm from. For you, were we a couple then?
Arun (INTJ): Oh yeah, because like you don't book me a surprise flight back to your flat and home.
Disha (ENFP): I'm not sure we're still a couple.
Arun (INTJ): Yeah, even that’s debatable!
Disha (ENFP): No, I'm joking. I think for me it was probably when Arun texted me for a second date and was like, ‘I’m free any night this week.’ And I was like, ‘I think I’m probably going to end up in a relationship with this guy.’
Arun (INTJ): Wow. Okay!
Disha (ENFP): I think for me, it was when I met your parents, which was in like March? April?
Arun (INTJ): April. It was four months.
Disha (ENFP): Then when we met, I was like, ‘Right, okay. I think it's getting serious now.’ That was when it got real.
Jess (INFP): I have to say, I dated an INTJ and I really liked how he didn't play games. So if he was free on a night, he would just say, and if he wasn't, he would just say. That was quite refreshing.
Disha (ENFP): You’re definitely like that. Arun doesn't give any nonsense chat. It's always just what you get is what you say.
Arun (INTJ): But you get annoyed over that as well. You’re like, ‘There’s no romance!’
Disha (ENFP): You can’t have everything.
Jess (INFP): Yes, INTJs aren't known for romance, I have to say that as well.
Lou (ESFJ): So when did you first discover your personality type?
Disha (ENFP): I think I discovered mine at work because it's one of those things that they make you do as a test and a bonding thing very early on. And for me it was really funny because I was like, ‘This is literally everything that I am described in a nutshell.’ So it made me think it's super accurate and I really bought into it.
Arun (INTJ): I did some like rebuilding psychometric tests at work several years ago, but I would have guessed I would have been those things just if you went through each of the binary options, that's what I would have said I was.
Disha (ENFP): How very INTJ of you!
Jess (INFP): Knowing you Disha, you are a stereotypical ENFP!
Disha (ENFP): Yes – I really am. Does Myers & Briggs also say, and I think it does, but who you're compatible with? I think INTJs go well with my type.
Jess (INFP): Yes, you would literally be a golden pair on our app.
Arun (INTJ): There we go.
Disha (ENFP): Awww, that’s sweet.
Arun (INTJ): But she always complains that I’m too introverted and I always complain that she's too loud.
Disha (ENFP): I do think we bounce off each other's differences.
Jess (INFP): Does that work quite well? So does Disha get you out there doing stuff?
Arun (INTJ): Definitely. If Disha wasn’t around, I would happily sit there and watch TV and do nothing else. Disha makes me do more stuff. And I kind of, you know, try and control her when she tries to do too much, so I put some balance in there.
Disha (ENFP): Arun holds me back. I think you've made me more practical, but sometimes it is hard. It is difficult if your values they're not aligned, but I think our values do align, but with some stuff sometimes I'm like, ‘Oh, let's just travel and live somewhere else.’ As you know, Jess, from Sydney, but I think Arun is very rooted to what he wants to do. So I think ultimately one of us ends up being more flexible sometimes than the other one.
Jess (INFP): Got it. So you have to compromise at different points. Has knowing your personality type impacted your relationship?
Arun (INTJ): I think on my side, I would know my personality anyway, so it doesn't really make that much of a difference to me.
Disha (ENFP): I think it makes me quite curious. I definitely want to read more because we did some research before we did this and I was definitely like, ‘This is amazingly accurate.’ So I definitely want to read more about…I don't know if you guys have heard of the love languages? So I've read quite a lot about that. And I feel like understanding each other in that way. And even in a theoretical Myers & Briggs type way, it can really help develop the relationship. So that's definitely something I'm going to focus on.
Lou (ESFJ): Definitely. And I think with the love languages as well, if you're not the same, that's fine. It's just understanding and appreciating how the other one shows love. That's just really important.
Disha (ENFP): Exactly. Understanding each other is key, right?
Jess (INFP): And what are your love languages?
Disha (ENFP): I don’t actually know. Do you know yours?
Arun (INTJ): I don't actually know what love languages means.
Disha (ENFP): Lou, can you explain them to Arun?
Lou (ESFJ): So there’s words of affirmation. There's physical touch. There's time. There's acts of service and then there's gifts.
Disha (ENFP): Sure, So stuff that you would respond well to, if you did that. I’m definitely words of affirmation. I need a lot of praise.
Arun (INTJ): I definitely need to go to Disha, ‘Yeah. That's good work. Well done.’ I'll make sure I have to think it through because I don't really need that, but I know that she needs that feedback. Recently we bought a car, and Disha is getting used to driving in London and initially it was just criticism: ‘You need to do this. You need to…’ Because I would just appreciate it if someone said you did this wrong and said nothing else, but I think with Disha, I've realized that I need to give a bit more feedback, which is actually…
Disha (ENFP): My confidence can take a knock quite quickly.
Arun (INTJ): It's that understanding of personality that means I have to tailor what I say towards her. Especially in terms of affirmation. What I say to you and how I speak about it and so on.
Jess (INFP): ENFPs are definitely more sensitive than INTJs, I would say.
Lou (ESFJ): What kind of things do you guys talk about?
Disha (ENFP): What do we talk about?
Arun (INTJ): Well, we had a dog today so we spent the day talking about the dog.
Disha (ENFP): We kept doing this thing where, obviously on a podcast you can't see my face, but we’d look at each other and then we'd just be like, ‘Awww!’ And I was like, ‘Is that what you do when you have kids?’ You just constantly look at each other and you're like, ‘Awww,’ over the kid. Because that's kind of boring. Literally that’s what we did all day.
We do talk about a lot about things we’ve both read or watched because I think I really value discussing issues.
Arun (INTJ): Both our jobs are quite linked to what's happening in current affairs – my job especially. And Disha likes to stay on top of the news all the time, so there's a lot of, ‘Did you hear this today or did you see this?’
Disha (ENFP): And I’ll always go, ‘Arun, what do you think of this issue?’ And then we'll talk about it. What’s a good example?
Arun (INTJ): I like winding you up as well. I like playing devil's advocate on everything, going ‘Why do you think that?’
So what have we read? I mean, coronavirus has taken over our lives, so it's a lot of stats on that that come out every day saying, ‘You should do this, you should do that…’
Disha (ENFP): That makes us sound really boring, Arun.
Arun (INTJ): Everyone in the world right now is an expert on coronavirus because that’s all they’ve been doing for the last five months.
Disha (ENFP): I think recently we’ve been talking a bit about our future, because we're getting married and we're at the stage where we're trying to figure out…I'm turning 30 as well, so I'm really reflective and I'm like, ‘What do I want from the next 10 years of my life?’ So I’m talking to you a little bit about families and what we want our lives to look like.
Arun (INTJ): I mean, I think we spend a lot of time also just talking about terrible TV we watch, things like that. You're watching, what was that? ‘All of us’? Something like that?
Disha (ENFP): Oh, ‘This is Us.’
Arun (INTJ): Disha has started watching this on Amazon Prime. That's taken up a lot of our discussion time.
Disha (ENFP): If Arun hasn’t watched it, I’ll need to tell him every detail about what has happened.
Arun (INTJ): Disha reads a lot. She reads so much, I can't keep up. And then she'll summarize all the books to me and all the characters, so I get the condensed version.
Disha (ENFP): And Arun will proceed to critique the book and I'm like, ‘But you haven't even read it!’
Arun (INTJ): Yeah. We’ve been having like Zoom quizzes and things like that.
Disha (ENFP): We talk about friends and family. Gossip.
Arun (INTJ): Gossip. Gossip takes up a lot of time.
Jess (INFP): Is it mostly fiction or non-fiction that you read, Disha?
Disha (ENFP): Fiction. I’m a big fiction fan.
Arun (INTJ): Thankfully, Disha has started reading The Week,
Disha (ENFP): The Week is like my favorite magazine. I’m always plugging it to everyone. It basically summarizes all of the different articles from different newspapers. So you get a really wide range of articles. And Arun listens to like a thousand podcasts in a week so he will have heard most of the stories, so I’ll be like, ‘Oh, did you hear this?’
Arun (INTJ): So we talk to each other a lot about current affairs.
Disha (ENFP): There was actually A really interesting article on Everest.
Arun (INTJ): Do you remember last year there was a picture at the summit of Everest where there was a queue to get to the peak and it became really famous around the world? it's a year on from there from then and the guy took the picture is writing a book about climbing Everest and so on. There was an article in The Week about it, which is like a summary of The Guardian long read on it.
Disha (ENFP): Because obviously there are so many issues around climbing: wanting to climb Everest and having enough money to do it vs actually doing it responsibly.
Arun (INTJ): So we had a lot of discussion about whether we would do it and that kind of thing. And that always leads to like extra research of us Googling how much it is to climb Everest and what's the actual death rate. That kind of thing. It’s almost like when you get into a Wikipedia hole
Disha (ENFP): Often we end up in…not arguments, but we challenge each other’s views a lot.
Arun (INTJ): Oh, yeah. I like, I like playing devil's advocate. I like pushing you…
Disha (ENFP): We often disagree on things as well.
Arun (INTJ): We disagree a lot.
Disha (ENFP): Very different views.
Jess (INFP): I can vouch for the week. I used to have a subscription to it ages ago and it is good, isn't it?
Disha (ENFP): I'm going to make my kids read it like every week.
Lou (ESFJ): Your kids!?
Jess (INFP): And what do you most like about each other's personalities?
Arun (INTJ): I think Disha being outgoing because I do think I'd happily live in my shell if someone wasn't pushing me. Disha gets me out doing things, going places and so on. Whereas I just wouldn't do that, if it wasn’t for her.
Disha (ENFP): I like Arun’s sense of humor. I think for me, that's definitely the overarching thing that I like about you. You make me laugh.
Jess (INFP): That's always important, right? If you're going to be with someone forever, that's really key.
Lou (ESFJ): And is there anything you'd change about each other's personality?
Arun (INTJ): Oh, where do you want to start!
Disha (ENFP): Definitely. I think I would try and make you a bit more adventurous.
Arun (INTJ): I would say I’m adventurous.
Disha (ENFP): ...like much more adventurous!
Arun (INTJ): Okay! I would like it is Disha was a better driver. Just joking. I don’t know. I think Disha’s fine. I think sometimes she doesn't listen to me when I’m right. Like I've given her logical steps. And gone: this is the right course of action.
Disha (ENFP): Can you give me an example of that Arun!?
Arun (INTJ): I mean, let’s not get into it…
Disha (ENFP): That doesn’t sound valid.
Arun (INTJ): I've given you many. I describe a course of action…
Disha (ENFP): Can we backtrack that and you can record it and he can be like, ‘Disha has no flaws.’
Arun (INTJ): Also sometimes Disha just takes on too much. Sometimes I think you should just take a step back and not want to do everything, so I'm not trying to reel her back in.
Disha (ENFP): Noted. This is because I want to get a dog and Arun doesn't want to get a dog, so he's like, ‘Stop taking on too much stuff.’
Jess (INFP): And what challenges have you faced as a couple?
Arun (INTJ): Well, Disha moved to Australia for a pretty long time. She spent a year in Australia, so…
Disha (ENFP): We did long distance for nearly a year and a half. We were only six months into our relationship at the time. I think that was definitely a test for us.
Arun (INTJ): We met in January, you left in September and it was only meant to be for six months and it ended up being a year and a half.
Disha (ENFP): That was challenging because I wasn't sure when or if I was coming back, but I think modern technology helped us get through that. I think that has been one of the major challenges.
Arun (INTJ): You came back and I came out to see you several times.
Disha (ENFP): Secondly, our personalities being so different is definitely a challenge at times, but I think we have both learned to compromise and reach a middle ground, which we're both generally happy with. And I'm hoping that continues.
Jess (INFP): When you were doing long distance, you were literally at 24-hour flight away from each other, right? At least.
Arun (INTJ): A 24-hour connecting flight away.
Disha (ENFP): Like when I meet couples, I don't mean to judge, but when they’re like, ‘Oh, we're going to do long distance.’ And it's like London's to Belfast, I'm like, ‘What!?’
Arun (INTJ): You can literally see them every weekend if you want.
Disha (ENFP): Whereas with us, it was really challenging. I think there has to be a lot of trust if you want to keep a long distance relationship going, because obviously you have no idea what the other person is up to or what they are doing all the time, so you just have to have faith in your relationship.
Arun (INTJ): As you know, without you here, I was doing nothing the whole time! Just watching TV.
Disha (ENFP): While I was partying on Bondi the whole time…with you Jess! We were having a great time checking out all the hot guys on Bondi.
Arun (INTJ): I’m glad you did!
Jess (INFP): But she came back to you Arun, so that's the main thing. So you said that your personalities are quite different. Do you think you both have different strengths and weaknesses in your relationship?
Arun (INTJ): I think my strengths would be planning ahead and thinking through what we should do.
Disha (ENFP): Really? Arun spent like six hours yesterday wandering around our house because he forgot his house keys in my pocket!
Arun (INTJ): That’s not the story. That's not the story. What actually happened was we went to sort out our wedding bands and I left my keys in the car, in my coat pocket, because it was really hot yesterday. And then Disha had taken the car to go to a picnic because she's always got other things she's doing with other friends, and loads of stuff going on, and I cycled back home. Without the keys and my phone having died, I just had to hang out outside for about three and a half hours until she came home.
Disha (ENFP): But it’s great that you plan ahead Arun…
Arun (INTJ): I’m not saying I’m not forgetful! I always misplace things.
Disha (ENFP): I definitely don’t think your key strength is planning ahead, I think Arun’s strength in our relationship is actually being very good with forward planning in terms of finances. Like being switched on with house stuff. I think you're very good at that. I think you’re also very thoughtful. Arun is always there if something goes wrong and he's very reliable, I'd say that's one of your key strengths. What are my strengths?
Arun (INTJ): Do you want to make me sound any more boring!?
Disha (ENFP): What are my strengths?
Arun (INTJ): You’re strengths are always like…I don’t know! I think it's always being the life of the party. Always being fun and being happy and jolly and keeping the mood up. Because it is quite easy to get down and stuff, but you're always an optimist.
Disha (ENFP): It's funny. Whenever I am down and I try to talk to Arun about it, he just dismisses it immediately because he doesn’t understand that I can sometimes feel those feelings. Because I'm so extraverted, in a room it always comes across like I'm very happy.
Lou (ESFJ): Final question: what are you guys most looking forward to in your future together?
Arun (INTJ): Well, currently we are trying to plan a wedding and then go on a honeymoon, but currently we're stuck in the country. So I think in the immediate future, it’s doing that.
Disha (ENFP): I have to confess I'm getting to the point now where I am excited to start a family.
Arun (INTJ): What!?!
Disha (ENFP): It's not something we are going to do in the immediate future, but I almost see it as thinking to the next 10 years. I am excited. Like having the dog today made me think, ‘Oh, it'd be quite fun to shape someone's life.’
Arun (INTJ): Just so people on the podcast know, we borrowed a dog today and it really changed our life.
Disha (ENFP): It's the best thing ever. Everyone should get this app [So Syncd] and also Borrow My Doggy.
Arun (INTJ): Starting a family I think is quite a big step.
Disha (ENFP): I'm also looking forward to building our future and, not in terms of a family necessarily, but building our careers together and taking the next step. I think everything I've done in my twenties has been very focused on me and it's quite nice to think I'd be contributing to your successes and yours to mine. Quite exciting.
Jess (INFP): Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It's been just really great to chat to you and hear about your relationship.
Lou (ESFJ): Thank you for listening to Personality Love Lab. If you're in a relationship and would like to be featured on our podcast, please email us at hello@sosyncd.com. The email address can also be found in the show notes.
Jess (INFP): And if you're single, sign up to So Syncd for free today to find your compatible personality type. You can download So Syncd from the Apple app store or the Google Play Store. We'll see you next week!