S1E4: Facebook Official: ESTP & ISFJ Compatibility
Brought to you by So Syncd, the first personality type dating app and website.
We talk to another golden pair this week to explore ESTP and ISFJ compatibility. Maia (ISFJ) and Tom (ESTP) were set up by a mutual friend over ten years ago, back when they were 16. Tom was dressed as a Smurf, but he wasn’t the only one who ended up covered in blue paint that night. In this episode, they talk about their first date to the cinema (where they watched not one, but two films!), becoming Facebook Official and how they show love.
Jess (INFP): Hi, welcome to Personality Love Lab, where we interview real people and real couples to delve deeper into personality types and love.
Lou (ESFJ): This podcast is brought to you by the sisters who created So Syncd, the dating app that matches compatible personality types.
Jess (INFP): My name's Jess. I'm an INFP, also known as The Dreamer.
Lou (ESFJ): And I'm Lou an ESFJ, also known as The Supporter.
Today on Personality Love, we have Maia and Tom from the UK. Maia is 27 - it’s her birthday today! Tom is also 27, and they've been together for 10 years. Maia is one of my best friends and I’m going to be her Maid of Honor at their wedding next year.
Jess (INFP): Maia is an ISFJ also known as The Nurturer. And Tom is an ESTP also known as The Adventurer. And they would be the perfect personality pairing on So Syncd.
Jess (INFP): And these two childhood sweethearts would be the perfect personality pairing on So Syncd.
Lou (ESFJ): So let’s start at the beginning. How did you guys meet?
Maia (ISFJ): We met when we were 16 and we were set up by our mutual friend who completely matchmade us. He thought that we'd get on really well. He was my best guy mate from school and Tom knew him from playing cricket, I think? And, yes, he did it very deliberately.
He invited us both to his house at the same time, a few times, and kept saying to me that I would really like Tom, we’d get on really well. And I think he was saying nice things about me to Tom as well. So it was a very deliberate thing from our friend Henry, I think.
Tom (ESTP): I think he sort of had the idea, but he didn't let on that it was going to be how it actually worked out. He probably said things each of us individually, and then one night, I think there was a party, wasn’t there, called ‘That Party’.
And he was like, ‘Tom, Maia is going,’ and probably said the same things to you, vice versa, and then was like, ‘You guys should get together.’ And it was pretty much as easy as that. We ended up getting together that night. It was a superhero party. So naturally I went as a Smurf because that apparently is a good thing to go as. I think it was actually just an easy outfit, you know, paint your body in blue and wear white legwarmers…
Maia (ISFJ): No – long johns!
Jess (INFP): Very attractive!
Tom (ESTP): And you were Wonder Woman.
Maia (ISFJ): Yeah. I was kind of proud of my outfit…my Wonder Woman outfit. And we ended up kissing for the first time that night.
Tom (ESTP): A right snog!
Maia (ISFJ): And I got blue paint on my face.
Jess (INFP): Did you have high hopes for each other or were you just like, ‘Oh, let's see how it goes.’
Tom (ESTP): I think it's a really good question actually. I remember meeting Maia back before Henry had sort of said, ‘You guys should get together,’ and [I remember] just meeting her, I think it was at Henry's house or something like that. And I remember clocking, just being like, ‘She was lovely,’ and, and not really thinking much more of it.
Lou (ESFJ): How old were you guys at this point?
Tom (ESTP): We were really young. I think it was 16.
Maia (ISFJ): I didn't think we had really high hopes in terms of thinking that we'd be together for a really long time or anything like that. I don't think we thought that for a second because we were quite relaxed about it. And we were obviously really young and my friend Jess actually said, ‘He's really nice. You should give him a good chance.’ I don't think even within that first bit, because we were only 16, I don't think we thought that we would be together through uni and into adulthood. I think we just thought it was fun and nice at the time.
Tom (ESTP): That’s so cute. What do you mean…give him a good chance!
Jess (INFP): Were you known to be a bit of a player, Tom?
Tom (ESTP): No, I wasn't. Absolutely not, apparently Maia is! Maia’s the player. This is all new news to me.
I think what Maia said is true. We were so young, you know, it wasn't like having hopes. It was just really fun and we were enjoying ourselves.
Maia (ISFJ): We just got on really well.
Tom (ESTP): Yeah, exactly. And now look at us. Still together.
Jess (INFP): What was your first date like?
Maia (ISFJ): So it was a classic 16-year-old date choice of going to the cinema. And we went together. I think we went on the train together? I can't remember how it got there, but it was like the train or the bus. And we went to the nearest, bigger town and we went to cinema together, but I don't think we planned the date very well.
Tom (ESTP): We didn't know what we were going to watch.
Maia (ISFJ): We didn't know what we were going to watch at the cinema. And then the film that was on was St Trinians Two.
Tom (ESTP): Because we loved St Trinians One.
Maia (ISFJ): And it wouldn't have been either of our first choice of film, but we’d committed to the date and the idea of it (of going to the cinema).
Tom (ESTP): Committed to not having a date where we had to talk to each other!
Maia (ISFJ): Yeah, I think we were both a bit nervous, so the cinema seemed like the only option really, to get a bit more comfortable without having to have formal chats, so we went to the cinema.
Tom (ESTP): It sets the scene for the old ‘arm over the shoulder’, doesn’t it? Stuff like that.
Maia (ISFJ): And then we got the bus back to where we were from. And then when we got off the bus, we’d had a really lovely time and we didn't want the date to end, but we didn't know what else to do. So we just went to the cinema again, but in the other town. It was a late showing…
Tom (ESTP): A tiny cinema.
Maia (ISFJ): So we went to the cinema twice and we thought we were acting like it was like a really crazy thing to do, but it was definitely just because we were too shy to speak to each other. This is how long ago it was.
Tom (ESTP): The second film was 20…Is it 2012?
Maia (ISFJ): Or 2020?
Tom (ESTP): It was some like ‘end of the world’ type film that Maia absolutely hates; it turns out.
Maia (ISFJ): And then Tom walked me home from the cinema and we had the little kiss on the street outside my mom's house.
Tom (ESTP): Why do you keep telling them about the kisses!?
Maia (ISFJ): Because that’s what it was like!
Lou (ESFJ): We want the juicy details.
Jess (INFP): Yes, we want the kisses.
Tom (ESTP): It was a snog.
Maia (ISFJ): It was cute.
Jess (INFP): Yeah, it's not like the craziest craziest thing, but it's a kind of unusual thing to watch two films in the cinema on a first date.
Tom (ESTP): We thought we were crazy.
Lou (ESFJ): You are crazy.
Jess (INFP): Ok, you are crazy, yes.
Lou (ESFJ): What first attracted you to each other?
Tom (ESTP): I think it was a funny one. It sort of links back to the other question of how did you know about each other. It was more taking your friend’s recommendation if you like, ‘I've got my really good girl mate. She's great. I think you'd get on really well. Why don't you meet up?’ That sort of thing. And it was honestly, as much as that.
I think I’d stalked you on Bebo or something. There was something going on, you know, how you can say a bit about yourself and like add a song and stuff. I think I liked some of these bits that were quite cool.
Lou (ESFJ): So then when you met, what attracted you to Maia? What made you think: ‘I really like her.’
Jess (INFP): I was going to say that was interesting, because that's quite a typical ESTP thing to take friends’ recommendations quite seriously.
Tom (ESTP): Yeah, that's interesting. I didn't really think that at the time. To your point, Lou, I think it was just because she was kind of different to other girls that I'd met before. Didn't know what it was, but I felt like she had her stuff together and there was something going on.
Jess (INFP): What about you Maia?
Maia (ISFJ): So I remember being kind of interested in Tom because of our friend. I remember the first time that we spent time together, which was through this friend, so it was before the party we spoke about, and before our first date and things. We were in town and there was this older guy who was really drunk and he was chatting rubbish. And it didn't really make sense when he was saying and everyone else that we were with was trying to kind of just move on and carry on walking past him. But I remember really clearly Tom being really kind to him and just listening to him, even though he was talking nonsense.
And I just thought it was really lovely because he was being really kind, but it was also just really interesting to see that he didn't care that other people, all of our mates and our mutual friends, were saying something different and trying to move on. And he really knew his own mind.
It was just like, ‘No, I want to have this conversation.’ So yeah, I liked that. And I remember going home and saying to my family, ‘Oh, I met a really nice guy.’ I think that was the best thing.
Tom (ESTP): Cute.
Jess (INFP): Did you know Tom, that that was Maia’s first memory of you?
Tom (ESTP): I did. Yeah, she did mention it before, actually.
Jess (INFP): When did you first consider yourself a couple?
Tom (ESTP): We grew up in the time of like Facebook and Facebook statuses. It was a thing, you know, and I think it was skiing? And I sent Maia some flowers for Valentine's day. It was quite early when were not far into being together. I think I got my Dad to deliver them, didn’t I?
Maia (ISFJ): Yeah. When you were 16. And I wasn't in when they got delivered, but his Dad knocked on my Mum's door with a bouquet of flowers and they were actually, to be fair to the 16-year-old you, they were really nice flowers. They were lilies and roses. And Tom's dad gave them to my mum and said, these are some times that he was. He was skiing at the time, so he got someone else to do all the legwork of going and getting the flowers and delivering them.
Tom (ESTP): You're giving me credit for the flowers, but I think it was Jackie Phillips if I’m honest.
Maia (ISFJ): It was impressive at the time because we were very young.
Tom (ESTP): The reason I mentioned that is because when we got back, we had the conversation and we were like, ‘What are we doing?’
Maia (ISFJ): And it was very much framed in the context of being Facebook official.
Tom (ESTP): I think you brought up and then we had the conversation. We were like, ‘Come on, let's put it all on Facebook.’ And then you got a few likes and then every year now it reminds us that we've been together in a while.
Maia (ISFJ): So at the time, even though we said that it wasn't a big deal and that it wasn't going to necessarily last for a very long time. We did mark the occasion because, we marked it, didn’t we? We went for a swim in the sea and it just means that we still remember it because we did three months for a late-night swim. So that was really nice.
Lou (ESFJ): So when did you, you first discover your personality?
Maia (ISFJ): So I think that we both discovered our personality type through knowing you both. I think I had done a personality test before, because I do find it really interesting, but I hadn't remembered what my type was, but I remember doing it at the time and thinking, ‘Oh yeah, that does sound like me.’ And finding it quite interesting, but it not sticking.
And then when we spoke to you guys and we heard all about So Syncd, I just became really interested in hearing about the different types and it was really interesting hearing about our mutual friends and hearing about their types and habits.
It was really fit with what I know about them. And I just find it fascinating. And I really enjoyed doing the personality quiz, but it has been through you.
Tom (ESTP): I think I was the same, actually. I remember seeing personality types online, but I just didn't get as far as Maia as going through the quiz or the test.
Jess (INFP): Yeah! I remember that.
Tom (ESTP): I remember you guys mentioning that you're launching this idea and I think we were in the car?
Jess (INFP): On the way to London, exactly.
Tom (ESTP): Jess and I just chatted literally the whole way home.
Lou (ESFJ): The five-hour car journey and you still didn't manage to finish the test?
Tom (ESTP): We did!
Jess (INFP): There was lots of interesting talking debate and I remember, Maia, you were so interested, right?
Lou (ESFJ): Reading Tom's [personality test description], Maia. Did that make you think, ‘That’s definitely Tom’?
Maia (ISFJ): Yeah.
Tom (ESTP): It’s quite nice reading about the other, isn't it? And listening to what the other half is.
Maia (ISFJ): I think it really fits you actually.
Jess (INFP): Do you think knowing your personality type has impacted your relationship in any way?
Tom (ESTP): I'm not sure exactly how they necessarily interact, but I remember having a conversation with Lou about, is it the five ways of showing love?
Jess (INFP): The Five Love Languages.
Tom (ESTP): That's it. And I think as a result of that conversation that got me thinking about personality types more and linked it back to what I am and what Maia is. I think I could relate more closely to that sort of thing that Lou shared with me.
Lou (ESFJ): What was your love language again?
Tom (ESTP): I remember when we were chatting about it, it was acts of service was probably what I do. And you’re good at communicating your love to me. What’s that one?
Maia (ISFJ): Words of affirmation.
Lou (ESFJ): And how do you read love?
Tom (ESTP): Do you read it the way that you want to receive it?
Lou (ESFJ): Maia, for example, what does Tom do that makes you feel most loved by him? Is it when he gives you words of affirmation or is it when he takes the bins out? I love it when he takes the bins out maybe because maybe because we've been together a long time,
I feel like we know how each other shows it. And that works for us, so when he cooks dinner or when he does those boring things that I don't want to do like take the bins out, yeah, I really appreciate it. I don't need him to show it how I would show it, which is really soppy and say I love you loads.
Tom (ESTP): And she’s sort of saying, ‘I don't think you've told me you loved me very much recently!’
Lou (ESFJ): That's okay. Because you do need it a bit, but the fact that you can appreciate the way the other one shows love…
Jess (INFP): It’s so important.
Maia (ISFJ): I think it's really helpful for both of us too. I think particularly for us, for Tom to know that I'm an introvert and for me to know and understand that he's an extravert and what that means.
Tom (ESTP): Makes us more understanding, doesn't it?
Maia (ISFJ): I think it helps understand if, say, we've got different things that we want to do at the weekend or him knowing and understanding that I need time on my own to recharge. So I think it's helped us to understand each other in that way.
Jess (INFP): Yeah. It's interesting, because I’ve dated extraverts, but I’ve never been in a relationship with an extravert, so I've never really had that kind of push-pull of them wanting to go out and do things and me wanting to stay in. But in that situation, understanding is crucial, right?
Tom (ESTP): And I think sometimes Maia likes the pull for me.
Maia (ISFJ): I think though, sometimes it's frustrating if I don't want to go out and do something and I just want to stay in, but I think actually I often have loads of fun when I'm under a little bit more pressure to go to something, I end up really, really enjoying myself and having a really fun time and being kind of pushed out of my comfort zone, I think is really good. But I think I think I would way rather be with someone that does that and that I then have all these fun experiences with then another introvert, for me personally.
Jess (INFP): And do you feel that Maia encourages you to introspect a little bit, Tom?
Tom (ESTP): Definitely. I think that's exactly right. I've come to enjoy more time on my own or just the two of us more than more than I used to. Maybe because I know that Maia likes that time too. And I also get a lot from it.
Jess (INFP): Do you ever have times where Tom goes out and does stuff and you're just at home Maia?
Maia (ISFJ): I don't know. I think I used to feel more pressure to go to the big event if Tom was going. And I used to think that I needed to go, but I think as we've been together longer, and as we've just grown up a little bit, I think we're both much more comfortable with just knowing that sometimes it's not right for me to go and I didn't want to. I'll probably use that time to catch up with my close friends rather than do big group things.
Jess (INFP): It comes with age a bit, doesn't it?
Maia (ISFJ): It’s about knowing yourself a bit better I think, knowing that that's okay to do what you want to do. It's not about letting the other person down.
Tom (ESTP): On the flip side of that, I sometimes struggle with knowing how much pressure to put on Maia to [join for] things that I want her to come to because I want us to go together. That causes a little bit of friction in my own space. Knowing how far to push her.
Maia (ISFJ): I think sometimes, because, like we said before, I need a bit of an extra push and then I go and have a really fun time. And then I'm really grateful that I've gone. So it's like for me as well.
Tom (ESTP): It's just knowing each other, ultimately, isn't it?
Jess (INFP): I was going to say the exact same thing that it's that push, but it's not just for you, Tom, right (and wanting Maia to be with you). It's also for Maia, once you‘re out and about, you often have a great time.
Lou (ESFJ): So what kinds of things do you guys talk about?
Tom (ESTP): We normally about things related to our days and things that we want the other person's take on or advice [about]. Sometimes it’s just maybe a little chat or, ‘I'm thinking of doing this. What do you reckon?’ Whether it's related to work or related to business or whatever, we have those sorts of conversations, don’t we? When we have the time between our days or at the end.
Maia (ISFJ): Yeah, definitely. I think we catch up at the end [of the day] if we're at work and we always have a good catch up.
Tom (ESTP): Pretty much in lockdown, it's been ridiculous. I mean, you're stuck chatting crap all the time.
Lou (ESFJ): That's all anyone can do.
Jess (INFP): Yeah, you’re not the only one.
Lou (ESFJ): I always feel like I have words I need to use in a day. So if it gets like 6:00PM and I haven't used them, I just get really weird.
Tom (ESTP): Nice. Well, I think as well, during a lot of times, we have been a bit more crazy, I think in talking about random stuff during the day. We go for a nice little walk and have a little reflection on the day and talk about the stuff that's actually important.
Jess (INFP): It’s not like: cinema twice in one day crazy? It sounds pretty crazy,.
Maia (ISFJ): But I mean, at least we have got things to talk about now and we don't have to back-to-back films. We do talk about everything.
Jess (INFP): It's a step in the right direction. What do you like most about each other's personality?
Tom (ESTP): I love how caring Mitch [Maia] is and I also like how she knows what's right. I don’t know if that's a personality trait or what it actually links to, but I like to think of it as a moral compass. I know, it sounds a bit funny, but I think she knows what's right. And what's wrong and gets the line right more often than not, which is it's nice. It's good. It's good for me. I like to feel like I'm learning from that.
Jess (INFP): Do you think she naturally has that inner sense of what's right and wrong more so than you?
Tom (ESTP): I think she's a better person than I am ultimately. I think she’s a better person than I am, as a result.
Jess (INFP): I'm not sure if you're a better or a worse person in quotation marks if you innately know what's right. I think it's more about your actions. Whether you innately know, or you have to take a step back and think about it, it’s essentially the same outcome for the rest of the world. You've just gone about it in different way. I mean, if you have to take a step back and consciously think about it, arguably you're making more of an effort to do the right thing than if it comes naturally. I mean, I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but…
Lou (ESFJ): Maia, what do you like about Tom's personality?
Tom (ESTP): Say something cool about how we want to go on a motorbike in the mountains.
Maia (ISFJ): I like how much fun we have together and how he makes me more fun. And when it's just the two of us, even more than when a group of friends, probably, we just have a massive laugh and we just got on really well. He just makes my days way more fun than they would be otherwise. We just have really nice time together.
Tom (ESTP): We have a right laugh, don’t we?
Jess (INFP): I I've dated two ESTPs. One of them in particular, I just had the most fun ever with. It wasn't right long-term, but we just had so much fun. Fun is the best word.
Lou (ESFJ): So what would you change about each other's personality?
Maia (ISFJ): From what I was thinking about earlier around extraversion, it was very interesting hearing from Jessica that introverts find loud noises and bright lights more difficult than the extraverts do. And that was the first time I'd heard that, but actually, I definitely have a much more…I get quite sensitive about really loud noises and I find Tom's voice very loud sometimes. And I catch myself being like, ‘Stop shouting,’ which is very annoying. I just think we were just on different frequencies of volume and how we communicate in terms of how loud we project our voices and then I find that I get really annoyed at myself because that's such a boring thing to say, like, ‘Stop talking so loudly’, but it feels really loud to me, but it obviously doesn't to him.
Jess (INFP): There's actually science behind this. It's not even just a perception thing. Like introverts actually do find things like that more overwhelming thank extraverts.
Lou (ESFJ): When the three of us were living together in the same flat, that was basically Maia’s idea of hell. Me and Tom shouting. And bless Maia was always so nice to me. She'd just say, ‘Tom, keep your voice down.’ She'd never say, ‘Lou. Be quiet.’ And Tom would be like, ‘But Lou’s being loud too!’
Maia (ISFJ): I got to live with my two favorite people, didn’t I? Even if you were very shouty between you.
Tom (ESTP): There were a lot of inside voices, darling.
Jess (INFP): As an introvert, I can sympathize with this Maia. Tom, is there anything you would change about Maia's personality?
Tom (ESTP): I think at times, and she's definitely getting better at it, that she needs to just back herself a little bit more with her decisions. You know, commit. As I said, I think a moral compass is pretty on point. Just commit to what you think is right and go for it. Just be a bit more…
Maia (ISFJ): Do you think we spend too long going back and forth over something? Because I use Tom as a sounding board a lot from my thoughts. So I think sometimes if I am being a bit indecisive, then…
Jess (INFP): So what challenges have you guys faced?
Tom (ESTP): There have been a few, haven’t there?
Maia (ISFJ): As a couple, we’ve been through lots of different phases in our relationship, like now we live together, especially during lockdown, we're spending lots of time together, which has its own challenges. But at different periods, it's been challenging in different ways.
We've had a few years where we have been longer distance. There was a time at uni where Tom lived in London and Tom lived in Exeter. And then I lived in Cornwall and he lived in Exeter and we saw each other once every two weeks. We missed each other, I think, quite a lot during that time, so it was quite hard. I think sometimes it was really nice because you make more of an effort and you plan to do really nice things on the weekend. You just miss that intimacy and just having that person to chat rubbish to and be around.
Tom (ESTP): I think we, in our relationship, we were used to seeing each other most days, until that point and that we then spent it apart for three or four years.
Maia (ISFJ): Even though we still see a lot of each other, we see loads of each other at the moment, we are still quite independent. I think it's given strength to our relationship
Tom (ESTP): Yeah, exactly.
Maia (ISFJ): But at the time it was definitely a challenge.
Jess (INFP): How often did you speak to each other during that time?
Tom (ESTP): I think it was daily, wasn’t it?
Maia (ISFJ): I think we spoke on the phone pretty much every day. Occasionally it would just be text. if we had different things on and we clashed the timings, but, yeah, we were very in touch throughout that time.
Jess (INFP): Did you ever find it difficult if you left on a bad note. Say you met up, had an argument and then it wasn't going to be two weeks until you saw each other again. Was that ever tricky?
Tom (ESTP): That's a good question. Yeah. I think we have always tried to make sure that we didn't leave things on a bad note. And I know that sounds a bit generic, but I always remember when we were younger, if we had a small falling out or disagreement just before bed or whatever, I'd be like, ‘No, we make up before we go to sleep.’ I think that sort of set quite nice foundations for even bigger stuff. It was like, okay, we might've fallen out, but when you know, you're not going to see each other for a little bit, you're so right, that feeling can be compounded, can’t it? When you don't have that touch every day.
Maia (ISFJ): I think it just did put way more pressure on the situation than when you live together. You can have it all fall out and then you can make up and then it's fine and you all just forget about it. But I remember feeling quite like…if we’d had a small falling out or a little squabble about something, I’d then get much more upset than I would when we're together the whole time, because I'd feel like it was a bigger deal and we'd wasted our time that was really precious. I think it does just make your time and feel a bit more pressured and then can make those little tiny things a bit bigger than they are.
Lou (ESFJ): Obviously you guys have your wedding coming up next year, but what else are you guys most looking forward to in your future together?
Tom (ESTP): I think we're looking forward to building on the positive stuff and taking the bits of our relationship that we enjoy and probably making more time for each other and for our next chapter, whatever that might be...might be a family, might be back in Cornwall. Do you want to add anything?
Maia (ISFJ): As we've been together longer, we get on better and we have more fun together, so I hope that continues. And I think when we have had challenges in the past, it has definitely brought us closer together and I'm sure there'll be lots more challenges ahead and difficult times ahead. I'm looking forward to us facing them together and continuing to get closer.
Jess (INFP): Maia, Tom, it's been so great to chat with you today. Thank you so much for coming on Personality Love Lab.
Lou (ESFJ): Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to Personality Love Lab. If you're in a relationship and would like to be featured on our podcast, please email us at hello@sosyncd.com. The email address can also be found in the show notes.
Jess (INFP): And if you're single, sign up to So Syncd for free today to find your compatible Myers & Briggs personality type. You can download So Syncd from the Apple app store or the Google Play Store. We'll see you next week!