S2E5: The Adventurous Introverts: ISFJ & ISFJ Compatibility

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This week we explore ISFJ and ISFJ compatibility with Fiona and Mark. Fiona (ISFJ) and Mark (ISFJ) met on a dating app two years ago. Their first date was a little awkward but they both knew they wanted to see each other again. In this episode, they talk about they approach things in a similar way, how they deal with conflict and Mark’s sexy job.

Lou (ESFJ): Hi! Welcome to Personality Love Lab, where we interview real couples to delve deeper into the 16 personality types and love.

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Lou (ESFJ): We’re your hosts. I'm Lou, an ESFJ, also known as So Supportive.

Jess (INFP): And I'm Jess, an INFP, also known as So Unique.

Lou (ESFJ): Today on Personality Love Lab we have Fiona & Mark from London. Fiona is 31, Mark is 33 and they’ve been together for 2 years.

Jess (INFP): Fiona and Mark are both ISFJs, also known as So Nurturing. I met Fiona a few years ago when we were both living in Australia and we spent some time traveling together. So to start with, how did you meet?

Fiona (ISFJ): So, we met on a dating app in January last year.

Lou (ESFJ): And what was it that attracted you to each other's profiles?

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah, so I think I really liked the fact that you had loads of photos of traveling and you seemed quite adventurous. And then I think we matched when I was on holiday in Iceland and I had done this awful experience where we went snorkeling in -8°C and it was terrible. And then I think we came back from that and I went on my dating app and I was chatting to Mark. I was saying I had the worst day ever and Mark's response was just really funny.

Mark (ISFJ): I probably had some great chat.

Jess (INFP): I did that same snorkeling thing. Was it between the two tectonic plates?

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah, but I think the mistake we did was doing it in the middle of January when it was -8°C outside.

Jess (INFP): What’s great with you guys is that ISFJs tend to be homebodies, but you've developed the more adventurous side of your personalities, which is really cool.

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. I think that's something that I'm quite aware of that, although I do like being on my own, I do really enjoy adventure stuff, even if it's not necessarily with other people. I'm very aware that I really get a lot out of doing a lot of things. I think we can sometimes find it quite easy to just sit at home, but I find it really important that we go out and organize and do lots of adventurous activities.

Mark (ISFJ): Yeah, Fiona is probably more proactive than me with booking or initially taking the initiative to book or to look into doing stuff. But if someone pushes me to do it or someone has an idea, I'm always up for it.

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. And that's what I really liked about Mark as well. If I suggest something, he'll never be like, “Oh no, that's not for me” or, “No, not really interested.” He's always like, “Yeah, sure. I'll give it a go.”

Jess (INFP): Do you think you consciously try and do that, Fiona, because you think it's good to be a little bit out of your comfort zone or it is enjoyable or is it for growth?

Fiona (ISFJ): I think I know that it makes me happier once I've done those sorts of things. I think sometimes if I've got a really busy weekend, I'm like, “Oh, I don't want to go.” But then afterwards I feel so much better for it. And I really enjoy the experience when I'm there. So I think I do make a conscious effort and I probably have done more as I've got older to do more things like that and the best experiences I've had have been when I've been traveling or have been working abroad or I've been putting myself out of my comfort zone.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. Because I mean, we traveled together for probably a month the year before last and you were always swinging off the highest rocks and stuff like that. I was like, “I'm too scared to do that.” And you were just going for it. You’re pretty adventurous really.

Lou (ESFJ): So what was your first date like?

Fiona (ISFJ): Wasn't totally smooth, I wouldn't say.

Mark (ISFJ): It was a bit awkward to begin with.

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. So basically, Mark had suggested going to the Sky Garden, which I completely vetoed because I just absolutely don't want to be going through airport security on the first date, which is what you essentially have to do when you go to the Sky Garden. And I think I much prefer going to somewhere a bit more casual when you don't really know someone. So I just suggested a bar and I think we both had the same idea to get there early so we got there before the other person. And so we both got there 10 minutes early and then it was just awkward. We were both in the door at the same time, which I think is probably classic ISFJ. We're always, always on time, if not early.

And it was really busy. So I was like, “Oh, let's go somewhere else.” We went to the bar next door and then we went in and there was a massive queue for the bar and it was just awkward. It was really loud; we just didn't know what to do. And then we had our first drink there and I couldn’t really understand you. And that was just a bit awkward. I was like, “Oh, let's go somewhere else.” Because I knew I didn't not like you I just wasn’t sure. So I was like, “Let's get somewhere else.” We went outside and it was pouring with rain. So we were kind of like, “Oh, what do we do?” And I think we were both huddled under my umbrella. And then we basically ended up in Wetherspoons.

Mark (ISFJ): Yeah, it was the first place we could find. It was actually a back door to a pub. So we didn't actually know what kind of pub it was, but there were people outside smoking. So we just went for it. And we went in and then your feet start to stick to the carpet and we're like, “Yeah, it’s a Whetherspoons!”

Fiona (ISFJ): But it got better from there. I think, because we were in Whetherspoons, it was all very laid back, the drinks are really cheap, we got loads of drinks. We just didn't have to worry about who was paying and it was just super casual, wasn't it? And then they didn't have really loud music or the sport on and so we could talk properly. So yeah, I think it got better after that. And then after we'd had a few drinks, we ordered some food and then our food came and it was not what we'd ordered or it was incorrect, something was wrong with it. And then I had this big dilemma about do I come across as really high maintenance and say something or do I come across as really unassertive and just let it go. And so I think I took a photo and then at the end, after we'd had a few more drinks, I did say something and I got a refund for our dinner in Whetherspoons. But yeah, it was a good first date.

Mark (ISFJ): I think the first 20 minutes were awkward. Then after that, once we got a bit more relaxed with each other, it became more easy-going really.

Jess (INFP): So you had that awkward start and then it got better. Do you think by the end of the date, were you both like “Yes, definitely want to see each other again?” Or were you unsure?

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. I definitely, definitely wanted to see you again.

Mark (ISFJ): Yeah, from my point of view I definitely wanted to see you again. I wasn't sure how you felt.

Fiona (ISFJ): I think it was maybe slightly different. I think I had been single for quite a long time and I was definitely of the perspective that a first date was just kind of to see whether you potentially liked someone and I wasn't that romantic about it. Whereas I think you were a bit more romantic about it.

Mark (ISFJ): Probably.

Jess (INFP): And when you were chatting, what attracted you to each other? So you said about being attracted each other's profiles, but actually when you met in person, what was it that attracted you to each other?

Mark (ISFJ): I think for me it was your independence and your confidence. You were talking about quitting your job and I could tell that you were happy to do that and you weren't scared of anything. You had this inner confidence, but it wasn't arrogance. So that was the initial, first thing I thought.

Fiona (ISFJ): Mark is just really easy to get along with and he had a really hot job. I found his job really interesting and asked loads of questions. You were just really easy to get along with and you traveled lots and there we'd both worked abroad, we had things in common. So it was just really easy I think.

Lou (ESFJ): Tell us what the sexy job is.

Jess (INFP): You told me about this really early on and I remember being like, “Oh wow. That is a sexy job.”

Fiona (ISFJ): What's your job title?

Mark (ISFJ): It's really not sexy.

Fiona (ISFJ): I think it is.

Mark (ISFJ): It's a Criminal Investigation Manager.

Lou (ESFJ): Oh, amazing.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. That is really cool.

Lou (ESFJ): And when did you guys first consider yourself a couple?

Fiona (ISFJ): I think it was about two and a half months after our first date.

Mark (ISFJ): Yeah. So I think for me, when you invited me to your 30th birthday party with your friends. So around that time I started to think, “Oh, it's definitely working towards being a couple, if we're not already a couple.” But I don’t think we discussed it officially until about a week or two after.

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah because I remember, it was my 30th, and then I had this big dilemma because we'd been seeing each other quite a lot and I thought, it's weird if I don't invite you because we've been hanging out loads. But at the same time, I thought lots of my friends were coming and it may be a bit intimidating to meet everyone all at once, but you did it. And I think actually that was one of the things I remember is that everyone was just like, “Oh, he's amazing.” And I think there were loads of people there that I went to speak to and whilst I was speaking to all my friends, you just managed to go and speak to other people. And I find that really attractive, that you could hold your own with people that you've never met before.

Jess (INFP): That was the first time we met. We were, I think, sat next to each other or opposite each other. It's like a big thing though, right? To meet all of someone's friends or all of someone's close friends in one go. It’s brave really.

Mark (ISFJ): It's pretty funny because that was the first time I’d met anyone associated with you really.

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. And then I think about a week after that, I was going to Australia for three weeks and I think it was the night before I went away, we had the discussion about it.

Jess (INFP): Who brought it up?

Mark (ISFJ): You did, didn’t you?

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. I think it was me.

Mark (ISFJ): I think you said, “Should we talk about how things are going or shall we talk about what we want?”

Fiona (ISFJ): I think it was because I was going away for three weeks. I was thinking I better lock it down! I arrived back at the airport and Mark was there with flowers and a car and he'd cooked me dinner and he’d bought me groceries.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. That's very caring. And when did you both discover your personality types?

Fiona (ISFJ): I think a long time ago I did a personality quiz and then I think a couple of years ago I did it again and I've done a few since then and I'm always the same. I think Mark's a bit different because he gets a different result every time.

Mark (ISFJ): I’m quite indecisive in general and quite laid back so, if I get a question, it can change depending on how I'm feeling or what I’ve done that day or the day before and I didn't have a solid defined personality type, I don't think. So I first came across it maybe in my first job after uni, but I didn't really take much notice of it. It was one of the things that management makes you do, and you get a personality profile to see how you learn or to see how you work. But I didn't start taking any more notice of it until Fiona brought up really.

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. And then I think we established today that you're definitely an ISFJ when I sat down and we did it together. I think when Mark originally did it, he was an extrovert and I found that really surprising because I thought I was more extroverted than you.

Mark (ISFJ): I do consider myself to be introverted.  

Fiona (ISFJ): And then I think I was quite surprised because I do think we are quite similar. And then when I read the summary of ISFJ, I think that's definitely you.

Mark (ISFJ): Reading the summaries, I would definitely consider myself to be an ISFJ.

Jess (INFP): It's interesting because ISFJs are the most people-orientated introverts, so they do sometimes mistype as extroverts because they are all about people. It's just they do need quite a lot of time alone to recharge.

Mark (ISFJ): So I do enjoy socializing and meeting people, but I don't enjoy doing that all the time.

Lou (ESFJ): Do you think that knowing your personality type has impacted your relationship at all?

Mark (ISFJ): For me, not really. The main thing is I just see Fiona always Googling ‘Do ISFJs go together?’ That's probably the only way it would impact it. I don't really think about it that much, I wouldn't say, personally.

Fiona (ISFJ): I think because we're quite similar, I don't have to think about it that much. I think we both value quite similar things and we communicate in quite similar ways. I think I am aware though, like I said before, that we could easily just sit in together and not do that much. I think I very much make sure that we do lots of things.

Jess (INFP): It is really interesting that you're both the same type. I think it's so true what you said about the personality type model being potentially less useful in a way, because it's more useful if someone's very different and they think very differently. But because you are quite similar, I guess you are completely on the same wavelength and get each other and I guess that's one of the risks, is that you are so similar that you don't push each other out of your comfort zone, but it's really good that you do make a conscious effort to do that.

Fiona (ISFJ): I think we do have differences as well. We're not exactly the same.

Mark (ISFJ): I wouldn't say we’re that similar. The way we think about things and the way we approach situations is probably very similar, but the way we come across is quite different.

Fiona (ISFJ): Mark is definitely much, much more easy-going than me. I would say like I'm quite highly strung and very much more assertive than you are, and probably more argumentative, probably more opinionated. Whereas, Mark just goes with the flow and I definitely wouldn't describe myself as someone who goes with the flow.

Jess (INFP): There's of course quite a big range within the personality types. So that definitely makes sense that you're not clones of each other for sure.

What kind of things do you talk about?

Mark (ISFJ): We talk about a lot, but not a lot.

Fiona (ISFJ): I think we don't have very obscure intellectual, intense conversations about things very often. It's more like everyday stuff.

Mark (ISFJ): At the moment, we talk about Married at First Sight, who’s better at Uno.

Fiona (ISFJ): Yeah. We talk about our friends a lot.

Mark (ISFJ): And current affairs.

Lou (ESFJ): And how do you guys deal with conflict?

Fiona (ISFJ): Well, because people are always like, “Oh, you and Mark don't argue.” And I'm like, “No, we don't argue together. I basically vent and Mark doesn't say very much.”

Mark (ISFJ): I'm quite anti-conflict. If there's an argument starting or if you're getting annoyed with something, if I don't see the point in what you’re getting annoyed at, I just won't engage. I’ll be like, “We're not arguing about something like this. There's no point in arguing over the tea towel so why are we even starting this?” I’ll chill out and won’t really get involved.

Fiona (ISFJ): I think it's good because I think I've had previous relationships where things can really kick off. I don't think I'm super argumentative, but I do think I can get quite annoyed about things quite quickly. Whereas Mark just diffuses the situation, and it doesn't become an issue.

Mark (ISFJ): I quite like the, ‘if it doesn't need to be an issue why are we making an issue out of it’ kind of thing, but that can probably be annoying at the same time if you're quite worked up about it and I'm just not, and I don't want to engage with it.

Fiona (ISFJ): Sometimes it can be annoying at the time, but I think overall I really like the fact that you don't argue because it means there's never any tension, we don't ever have any underlying issues. It's just, I get annoyed, you don't get annoyed back, and then it's over.

Jess (INFP): So what do you most like about each other's personality?

Fiona (ISFJ): I really like the fact that Mark is so easy-going. I think it works really well with me. He's really relaxed about everything he is up for doing stuff. If I make a suggestion, you're always up for it. I really like the fact that Mark is super thoughtful and really emotionally intelligent. And I think this is something that I have had a problem maybe in previous relationships, but Mark often knows what I want before I even know that I want it and does just really, really thoughtful things. I always feel like I'm not as thoughtful as you.

Mark (ISFJ): I don't really notice it that much.

Fiona (ISFJ): I mean, this is another thing that I really like, I think I've previously gone on dates with people and they tell me how amazing they are at a lot of things, Mark does the opposite. He doesn't say anything but then over time I've suddenly seen that he's got really, really good talents in things you've never told me about so I have realized all these things over time rather than I think in a lot of cases where I've met people where they told me they're amazing at things and they aren't as good as they actually say they are.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. That's nicer to discover the layers yourself.

Mark (ISFJ): From my side, the main things that I like is she’s just very honest, upfront, very caring, very loyal and you push me to do more, you push me to be better. I find that you always want more for yourself, but in turn that always makes me want to be better or achieve more and I just like the way you go about your work and the way you quit your job and started at a new company. I was just in awe; I was really proud of you and I'm always proud of you. If we go out and I introduce you into social situations, it's just really easy and really comfortable

Lou (ESFJ): Lowering the tone here, is there anything you'd change about each other’s personality?

Fiona (ISFJ): I think sometimes I would like Mark to be slightly more assertive. I think sometimes I can take control of the situation and be like, “Oh, I really want to do this.” And Mark kind of goes along with it. And sometimes I'm like, “No, if you really want to do something, please just let me know?” But I am also very well aware that I really like the fact that you're so easy going and you are laidback and there's nothing else really can think of that I would want to change.

Mark (ISFJ): There's nothing major. I think sometimes she’s quite strict in the way she does things or if she just thinks a certain way and then I don't do them that way, then she gets annoyed and I find it quite frustrating in that it's like, “I'm not used doing it your way. You've been doing it your way, but I don't think it has to be done your way. So can we compromise?” But if Fiona has something in her head that has to be done that way, then if I don't do that way, it's like the end of the world. That’s an exaggeration, but it’s just little things that I don't even take any notice over, if I don’t do them the way Fiona would do them then she’s like, “Why would you do it like that?!”

Fiona (ISFJ): This is mainly to do with how we do our laundry.

Mark (ISFJ): She's very anal about her laundry.

Fiona (ISFJ): We now do our laundry separately so that we don't have this issue.

Jess (INFP): That's funny. It's true ISFJs do tend to be quite set in their ways and like things done in a certain order. Apart from the laundry, what challenges have you faced as a couple?

Mark (ISFJ): I wouldn't say we’ve faced too many serious challenges.

Fiona (ISFJ): Mark moved in a couple of months before lockdown, so it's been a bit of an adjustment. We're both in our 2-bed flat together all the time.

Mark (ISFJ): Yeah, so we’re now on top of each other 24/7, where we hadn’t been together for that long previously. I guess we were still getting to know each other a bit.

Fiona (ISFJ): I guess it's also just; I think more rather than the space, it's more that we haven't really been able to see other people so much, particularly when it was a full lockdown, for months, it was just the two of us.

Mark (ISFJ): You're never doing anything new and we knew what each other were doing 24/7. You've got nothing new or exciting coming up or happening, so I guess it's just almost like the boredom or the monotony of just 24/7 having the same thing happening.

Fiona (ISFJ): We get on really well and we never run out of things to say or anything. I think we made the most of it, but one of us would go off the phone and then immediately it'd be like, “What news have you got?” Because it was like the most exciting that had happened all day.

Jess (INFP): I think lockdown has been a challenge for couples who've been together for 20 years and know each other really, really well. So yeah, it's a pretty big thing to happen fairly early on in a relationship when you've just moved in together.

Mark (ISFJ): Yeah, it’s definitely something we weren't expecting, but I think we just got on with it quite well in the end.

Lou (ESFJ): What do you think each other's strengths and weaknesses are in your relationship?

Mark (ISFJ): I think Fiona’s strengths are that she's more proactive than me and, in general, probably a bit more organized than me or maybe a bit more open and up front about things. If I have an idea of something to do, I'd probably just look into it behind the scenes or wouldn't even mention it. Whereas Fiona is like, “We should do this. We should do this.” And then we'll look into it together, which is probably the better way to do it.

Fiona (ISFJ): I think Mark's very…the fact that he's so laid back and calms me down and he’s so thoughtful. If I'm stressed, he will just sort things for me. If there's anything you can sort, you do it. I was really busy with work and a desk arrived to be set up and I come out of a call and it's all set up for me. And I come out of a call and Mark's bought me flowers and cupcakes to make me feel better. I couldn't ask for anything else.

Jess (INFP): That is very thoughtful compared to others.

Fiona (ISFJ): I cannot believe how thoughtful Mark is sometimes. I remember last year in December, it was the 1st December and I hadn't even clocked it was the 1st of December and he was like, “Oh, here's your advent calendar present.” And I hadn't got him anything. And he had bought me a present for every single day of December and individually wrapped them. But every single present was really thought through. So I’d said like three months before when we were going on holiday that it was really annoying that I can't weigh my suitcase so he bought me a luggage weigher. It was things that I'd forgotten I'd even said. And then there was a day where I was going for boozy brunch with my friends and I'd obviously said a few weeks before I'm going for boozy brunch on 8th December and so on 8th December, he'd bought me gin chocolates for pre my boozy brunch. So much thought had gone into it and I just couldn't believe it.

Jess (INFP): That is thoughtfulness on another level, I have to say.

Fiona (ISFJ): I've never had anyone do anything like that.

Mark (ISFJ): I’ve obviously just got too much time at work.

Jess (INFP): Not enough fraud going on. Last question, what are you most looking forward to in your future together?

Mark (ISFJ): I think there's a lot really, basically moving into the next phase or life, really. Hopefully if everything carries on, we’d like to have kids together. I'm a bit obsessed with twins at the moment so twins would be great.

Fiona (ISFJ): My mom is a twin and Mark is convinced that if we ever have a child together, we're going to end up having twins. We've got lots of holiday plan post coronavirus. We've got lots of places that we want to go to together and things we want to do.

Mark (ISFJ): Yeah, and just continue to have fun and new adventures.

Jess (INFP): Well, yeah. Thank you so much for coming on.

Fiona (ISFJ) & Mark (ISFJ): Thanks for having us.

Lou (ESFJ): Thank you for listening to Personality Love Lab. We hope you enjoyed hearing this love story about personality type compatibility, and don't forget to click subscribe.

Jess (INFP): And if you're looking for your own love story, head over to your app store now and download So Syncd, the dating app that matches compatible personality types. It’s free and you can find people who are looking to connect on a deeper level.