S2E7: Psychology Romance: ENTJ & INFJ Compatibility

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You can listen to the full episode of our podcast on Personality Love Lab, Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

We explore ENTJ and INFJ compatibility with Tanmay and Mugdha. Tanmay (ENTJ) and Mugdha (INFJ) met when they were doing a Masters in Psychology. They first became friends and it slowly turned into something more. Mudgha knew Tanmay was special when he saved his last French fry for her. In this episode, they talk about the importance of communication, what they find attractive about each other, and whether wristwatches really serve a purpose in this day and age.

Lou (ESFJ): Hi! Welcome to Personality Love Lab, where we interview real couples to delve deeper into the 16 personality types and love.

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Lou (ESFJ): We’re your hosts. I'm Lou, an ESFJ, also known as So Supportive.

Jess (INFP): And I'm Jess, an INFP, also known as So Unique.

Lou (ESFJ): Today on Personality Love Lab we have Mugdha and Tanmay from Mumbai. Mugdha is 27, Tanmay is 26 and they’ve been together for 3 years. Mugdha is an INFJ, also known as So Thoughtful, and Tanmay is an ENTJ, also known as So Ambitious. They would have a very high compatibility percentage on So Syncd, our personality type dating app.

So to kick things off, how did you guys meet?

Tanmay (ENTJ): We were in college, we were doing a masters, and psychology was our field. And Mugdha was a different kind of person that I would like to hang out with. She was an introverted person who studies a lot and we didn't click right off, but it took quite some time. So early on, we were talking to each other, like friends, like legit friends. There was no infatuation between either of us, I think. And it slowly, slowly progressed, and then one thing led to another. And we are planning and thinking of getting married now.

Jess (INFP): Oh, that's so, so exciting. How many years ago was that?

Tanmay (ENTJ): 2016? 2014 actually. 2015 actually, I think I'll go with 2015.

Mugdha (INFJ): 2015 is when we met I guess, end of 2014.

Tanmay (ENTJ): You started in 2014 in July. So 2014 was when we met 2015 was when things started to get good. And 2016 we were legit together.

Jess (INFP): Did it catch you off guard when it started becoming more than friends? Because you said it was kind of a slow burn. Where you're like, ‘Ooh, I wasn't expecting this’ or did you kind of think it might be a possibility?

Tanmay (ENTJ): Absolutely for me, because she was in a relationship already and that's one of the reasons why I never thought we would be anything but friends and slowly, slowly, slowly, we started getting close each other. Her relationship was on a ventilator long before that. Then around 2015 or 2016, we decided to be together.

Lou (ESFJ): What was your first date like?

Mugdha (INFJ): That is a question we have a really hard time answering. Because I don’t think we really had a date. All we used to do was hang out together at my place because it was an empty flat, we didn’t have anyone around, I didn’t have any roommates. So it was a distraction-free space. So it was just like we’d chill, you know? Chill on the weekends. So I don't know if there was actually a first date honestly.

Lou (ESFJ): Yeah, we have had that before when people aren't really sure when their first date was.

Mugdha (INFJ): Yeah. We'd probably cook lunch together and stuff like that. And we didn't really think about it then, but then you probably realize maybe it was a date after all.

Jess (INFP): Ahh, that's cute. I mean, Lou you’re probably the same, right? That you probably wouldn't be able to say what your first date with Charles was.

Lou (ESFJ): No, we just, we were kind of friends. We just hung out and then it just became romantic. So it was very similar.

Mugdha (INFJ): Yeah.

Jess (INFP): So what first attracted you to each other?

Tanmay (ENTJ): For me, it was that she was smart and I like smart people. The first thing I remember is she said, ‘Oh, I want to do a PhD after this.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, so impressive,’ I was so impressed. It's like a new thing for me. I have a friend who's doing a PhD. Because earlier on I was in a metal band and those people don’t think of doing PhDs. So it was a new thing, it was quite interesting and that’s what fascinated me. I think that would be the first thing that I liked.

Jess (INFP): So you were both on the same level intellectually?

Tanmay (ENTJ): You are a little smarter than me, but I like it.

Jess (INFP): I read research the other day that said that if the woman is smarter than the man, then the marriage tends to last longer, which is quite interesting.

Mugdha (INFJ): Yeah. I think you would find that in John Gottman's book, because he's written many books on what makes marriages successful. And one of the things that he says in successful marriages is about the woman having higher education.

Jess (INFP): Yes, exactly.

Mugdha (INFJ): So that’s the funniest thing. So I’m like, ‘that sounds funny.’ But I haven't yet gotten a PhD. Maybe it's in the future, because I changed my career path midway, but I do have two Masters. I don't know if that counts? But I do have two Masters.

But coming to the point, what attracted me to Tanmay was the kind of courage he has. A lot of my struggles growing up were with believing in my myself. That was the thing that I felt, ‘Yeah, this is probably something that I would like to learn from him.’

Jess (INFP): That's what we try and do on So Syncd, pair couples that I guess have different strengths and weaknesses and they tend to admire the other person's strengths and learn from them, and vice versa. So, yes, it's nice to hear that really.

Lou (ESFJ): And then when did you first consider yourself a couple?

Tanmay (ENTJ): Wow. That's another difficult question.

Mugdha (INFJ): It must have been around 2015, like after probably one and a half years of meeting.

Tanmay (ENTJ): Remember that canteen that we went to near college? And I saved the last fry for you?

Mugdha (INFJ): Oh yeah. I think that was probably a good moment to remember because I like fries quite a bit. So when we go out, I always end up ordering fries, and that was one time we had gone out and he kept the last fry for me, like the French fry. And that's probably the time we might consider that we felt the romance, maybe.

Tanmay (ENTJ): She almost teared up. She was laughing. She almost teared up. And I'm like, ‘Oh, this is so sweet. I would like this to continue.’

Jess (INFP): That's a really cute memory.

Tanmay (ENTJ): That would be the moment that if we were to say, that we felt like a couple.

Jess (INFP): Did you talk about it? Did you say right now we're officially a couple?

Mugdha (INFJ): No, I don't think we did.

Jess (INFP): Yeah, sometimes you just know.

Mugdha (INFJ): That conversation happened much later, maybe 2017. So actually, you know why it didn't happen? Because I was already with somebody else. At that time. Yeah. So we started having those conversations only after that fizzled out. Should’ve been about the end of 2017.

Jess (INFP): And when did you both discover your personality types?

Tanmay (ENTJ): I just knew one letter, that was E. I'm an extravert, that much I knew. Nothing else.

Mugdha (INFJ): I knew about myself for the longest time, but with him, I was confused. Like during the early days. I hadn’t experienced his conviction because we hadn't, what do you call it? We hadn't experienced life so much when we met, for the first two to three years. So I felt he was more of like an ENFP, but over time, I came to recognize him more and more and then experienced life events and so on. And then I saw the thinking emerge. So it was an immersion kind of experience and getting to know him as a person. So I discovered his type, like I properly typed him very recently, I’d say probably around six months back.

Jess (INFP): What kind of things made you realize that he was more of a thinker than a feeler?

Mugdha (INFJ): So to be very honest he finds it hard to read the emotion of a room. So I think that happens very quickly for feelers. If I’m walking into a room, then I know instantly what to say and what not to say, and that doesn't happen so easily for Tanmay.

Tanmay (ENTJ): That’s another thing, I don’t put up with bullshit. If I see something I don't like, I see that person is faking it or something. I don't care. I would say.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. I think INFJs in particular, are very, very good at reading a room. And like you said, knowing what to say and what not to say. INFJs would probably find it a bit more difficult to be very blunt and honest, if they were in the same situation that you just described Tanmay.

Lou (ESFJ): And then do you think knowing your personality type has impacted your relationship at all?

Mugdha (INFJ): In some ways I kind of now know his blind spots better, so it doesn't catch me off guard. So it's just for the better I think.

Jess (INFP): I think ENTJs tend to, well, they tend to lead with logic and make decisions based on logic rather than feelings. And sometimes I think they find it harder than feelers to process feelings and listen to them.

Mugdha (INFJ): The thing that really happens, like when I am upset or I catch feelings when certain things happen around me and he’ll think, ‘Probably I’ll just hold her’ because he just doesn't know the words. So that's the only way he'd probably express.

Jess (INFP): And what kinds of things do you guys talk about?

Tanmay (ENTJ): Okay. So we talk about daily things and daily things, like what happened throughout the day. And we discuss ideas sometimes. The latest discussion we had was about how useless wristwatches are, we have arguments as well, discussions, arguments both ways. That was the latest discussion. It’s such a difficult question.

Mugdha (INFJ): So the whole discussion. So I think the wristwatch example is a good one, that will illustrate what kinds of discussions we do have. So I was of the opinion that I really wanted to buy a good watch because I needed a fitness tracker. I needed a step tracker at least in my wristwatch. So I was just like, ‘Okay, fine. I'm kind of like trying to select the watch for myself. Would you just look up something for me?’ Stuff like that. And he's like, ‘But I don't believe in wristwatches. I don't really believe they should exist.’

Tanmay (ENTJ): Yeah. I mean, we have a watch time on our cell phones. We have step trackers on our cell phone. So my thinking was quite logical that in today’s times, you don't need a wristwatch, it’s old fashioned. So it’s not my field to choose which one is good because all of them are useless for me.

Jess (INFP): I dated an INTJ and that's probably a similar conversation that we would have had. He'd be like, ‘No, it doesn't make logical sense.’ And I'd be like, ‘No, but it feels right to me, I do want this.’ And he’d be like ‘But it doesn't make any sense Jess?!’

Mugdha (INFJ): So we just have like this kind of back and forth banter about concepts, just random concepts that we experience in our day-to-day lives but sometimes we do. And I think this is primarily from me because we do plan a little bit of a future and discuss stuff that's going to happen and prepare for it. I think Tanmay lives more in the moment and I need to know what's going to happen and how we are going to plan for it. Comparatively.

Tanmay (ENTJ): Yeah. The future talk is quite often, these days. Like we discuss what are we going to do in five years down the line? What are we going to do in this situation or that situation? This happens quite a bit.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. I was going to say, as you get older and you may be talking about children, marriage, where you're going to live, that kind of thing makes sense that you've been discussing it more.

Lou (ESFJ): And then how do you deal with conflict?

Mugdha (INFJ): We never really stone wall. I think that's a good place to start. So regardless of how serious an issue is, we will go back and discuss it, no matter how angry we are. And it never happens, that we just shut all communications. That never happens. I think initially when we started getting to know each other, the thing that really irked me was that Tanmay would probably not text for hours because he doesn't really look at his phone and doesn't see that to be a bad thing. Like he prioritises getting tasks done or being in the moment more than keeping track of relationships with people. And I'm exactly the opposite, let’s say. I prioritise people, work and my tasks around dealing with people and Tanmay doesn’t do that.

Tanmay (ENTJ): Communication is the key. That's what we do. That's how we resolve. We talk to each other.

Mugdha (INFJ): Sometimes you have just crazy communication, when you are not achieving anything and Tanmay will get really pissed off and be like, ‘I need a break from this conversation’ and he'd go off probably for a few hours. But he’ll always come back.

Tanmay (ENTJ): When that happens, I’ll start a count down like, okay, this is the third time you've said the same thing again. This is the fourth time. This is the eighth time. Ninth time. And by about six times, she starts to stop doing that.

Mugdha (INFJ): Because in some ways he's rather stubborn you can say. Both of us are I think. But with him, it's more like this is a flip side of his conviction. So it works against me also sometimes. If he's really convinced that something has to work a certain way, it really has to work a certain way. Then, I don't think me saying it one or two or six or ten times would make any difference.

Jess (INFP): Yeah. I think INTJs and ENTJs are both very stubborn in slightly different ways, but they both feel like very passionately about what they believe in, I guess. And what do you most like about each other's personalities?

Mugdha (INFJ): Yeah, like I said, I really like his conviction and he has the courage to follow through with his ideas. That is something that I find attractive at the same time, essentially, because I personally find it incredibly hard to do that. I fear outcomes, whereas he's like, ‘Okay, let's just jump into it and see how it goes and work on from there’.

Tanmay (ENTJ): Yeah. So one of the traits that I like about her is the openness to experience. Like she doesn't say no outright. Like I say something and she'll never be like, ‘No, I'm not doing, whatever’. She’d give it a thought at least and think about it and find ways to whatever the demand or idea is. That's what I really like about her.

Lou (ESFJ): Is there anything you'd change about each other's personality or maybe something you'd like each other to work on?

Tanmay (ENTJ): Yeah. Be a little practical, that’s all.

Mugdha (INFJ): That’s exactly what I was going to say but the opposite. I wish he was a little bit more diplomatic.

Jess (INFP): Hopefully you balance each other out and meet in the middle when you're together!

Mugdha (INFJ): But I do wish sometimes that he would care a little bit about the people around him. I know ideas are important and executing things are important. But essentially, you've got to care about people because you’ll probably need their support in the long run. And that I think, is probably a very INFJ thing to say but, you’ve got to replicate it and that is something that I hold very dear to myself.

Lou (ESFJ): And what are your strengths and weaknesses in your relationship?

Tanmay (ENTJ): Communication is the biggest strength that we have. We never stone wall each other.

Mugdha (INFJ): I'm just trying to make a checklist in my head, like taking care of a household? I think we can do it well. Raising children? I think we can do it well. Communication with each other and getting along? We can do that well.

Tanmay (ENTJ): Like we are good. Literally, I would like to hang out with her, even if we were not in this situation, like in another relationship or whatever, I would still like to hang out with her or drink, go to the bar or something like that. Still I would enjoy it. Weaknesses, I don’t know. I have no idea, actually.

Mugdha (INFJ): Probably that's a blind spot, we really don't know. I don't think, in Indian culture especially, in the couple the guy always has to be elder. They have to be more settled in that sense. We'll probably have a few hardships because we aren’t the ideal couple in that sense. Men are sort of expected to take charge of the household, earn a certain amount of money by a certain age. But I don’t consider that a relationship weakness between us.

Jess (INFP): It's funny what you said about the friendship, because we had another couple come on Personality Love Lab in the first season. And basically one of them said that if she went to a dinner party, he would always be the person that she would want to sit next to.

Lou (ESFJ): And then the final question, what are you both most looking forward to in your future together?

Tanmay (ENTJ): Having a family and living together as a married couple and completing all those challenges that come along with it. The real test I think of the marriage would be when our kids are 18 and they move out of the house, that's one of the things I'm looking forward to. To see what happens after, let's say 30 years down the line. How would it be when we are old together?

Mugdha (INFJ): Will we still be friends? And will we still go to the bar together?

Jess (INFP): I know, it's exciting. The thought of building a future with someone is really exciting, right? In lots of ways.

Mugdha (INFJ): We wouldn't have said that like even six months before this, we wouldn't have said that. Because we felt at times we are different that was just like artificial in that sense, it was just like, we were just making it up. We never really had commitment issues as such but it was like, sometimes you're are just not ready to say yes, like in that sense. Say yes you have to a future together and you have to live through certain experiences to say ‘Okay, I do think we have a future together’.

Lou (ESFJ): Yeah. It's definitely not something you want to rush. Because it's probably the rest of your lives that you're going to spend together.

Tanmay (ENTJ): Exactly. When I was about 20 or 18 I used to think ‘I’m not getting married before 30, but it looks like we are!

Mugdha (INFJ): Sometimes he has to follow more of my timeline. So it’ll be more often than not, that I have to convince him. That this is something that I see coming at us in the future and he is just learning to trust my word for it.

Tanmay (ENTJ): One of the questions that I think you should have asked is: have you ever had a breakup? And we have had a least half a dozen.

Jess (INFP): Really?

Tanmay (ENTJ): A few months of blackout, no communication. Nothing. We’ve broken up. Nothing. She cried, I was sad, I was hugging my pillow. All of those things but we always find our way back to each other, some way or the other.

Jess (INFP): So you’ve actually had breakups where you haven't chatted for months? No communication?

Mugdha (INFJ): Yeah, yeah. That has happened. This is not feeling right. This is just not feeling right. You're probably going to regret it. And that’s okay if it feels more like a rebound phase. It’s probably 2/3 months, it shouldn’t last more than that. Usually, you can convince yourself rationally that your decision is probably right. But this could go on for months, like we were not talking for a good six months. And still we were like ‘I just don’t think this feels right.’

Jess (INFP): I think that's quite a good sign, really.

Mugdha (INFJ): When you know, you know.

Jess (INFP): Well, thank you so much for coming on Personality Love Lab. It's been great to chat and we're excited for your future wedding! You have to keep us updated.

Lou (ESFJ): Thank you for listening to Personality Love Lab. We hope you enjoyed hearing this love story about personality type compatibility, and don't forget to click subscribe.

Jess (INFP): And if you're looking for your own love story, head over to your app store now and download So Syncd, the dating app that matches compatible personality types. It’s free and you can find people who are looking to connect on a deeper level.